Beneath the stars
by Missjude
Summary: Bella doesn't want to fall in love but her good friend Jasper is desperate to be the man she needs. Studying English Lit, all she wants is good grades, riding the mountains and a good time with her friend Rosalie. When one lonely night, she meets someone unexpected. A kind heart, a man she doesnt have any barriers with but mostly someone who's taking over her heart. There's only
1. Chapter 1

Back in 1999, there was no smart phone, Facebook or anything like we have now.

Emails, letters and phone calls were pretty much all we had.

Keep that in mind as you read further.

Love,

Jude xox

Chapter ONE

October 27th, 1999

Another day in the life of an amazing University student. I sigh. Why is it so boring? Girls are running after boys. Boys are trying to impress girls. We have a daily load of reading or homework. I'm sleep deprived and I keep gaining weight because I don't have time to exercise. I'm broke and I'm ugly. Well, my friend doesn't think so but I do. I swear, I am.

Winter is coming and all I can think about is snowboarding. My life is devoted to that sport. I love it, I breathe it and I dream about it almost every night. I'm counting the days until the opening of the ski resort. I'll be the first, or in the first to be reaching the summit of the mountain. My board is ready and so is the rest of my equipment. Soon, I keep thinking.

"Hey Bella." Rosalie calls my name as I walk through the cafeteria.

"Hey Rosalie. What's up?"

"Nothing." She lies.

"No, tell me. What's up?"

"Listen, I don't know what's happening to you but you have to stop. Smile, dress girly, have fun. Do something just for you."

"I'm fine. Where does that come from?" I have no clue what her problem is. Rosalie and I go way back to high school days. She knows me, too well. Sometimes I feel like she can read my mind.

"We've been talking about this moment since we were twelve. This is it, Bella. Don't waste it. We're at the university, we're living a shared dream. We have everything we ever wanted.."

"Okay… so?" I say still not understanding her point.

"Listen, I have a question." She pauses avoiding my eyes. "Are you into girls?"

"A lesbian? Why? Why do you think I'm a lesbian?" She can't be serious, can she?

She sighs. "Because… You ignore all the guys trying to get your attention. You show absolutely no interest. It's a bit weird." What guys? I have no idea who she's talking about.

I laugh. "I'm okay with weird. I've been called worse." Her eyes are still watching me, waiting for an answer. I roll my eyes and a sigh escapes my mouth. "No, I'm not into girls. I'm just … not interested."

Her hand on her hip, her head angled to the side, she studies me. "I don't understand you. Why not?

Is she my personal therapist now? I don't want to talk about it but I know her enough to know she won't let it go. "Look at me, Rosalie. I'm not like you. I don't have the perfect shape, the beautiful blue eyes with the perfect shade of brown hair. I'm chubby, I dress like a guy and my hair is shorter than most girls. I'm fine with the way I look. I buy my own clothes and I get my hair cut like this. Nobody is forcing me. I'm cool with that. Guys want a feminine girl by their side. Not me. I'm the token girl they can rely on for an opinion on all things girl related." Always have been.

"Are you voluntary trying to push them away?"

I'm about to start groaning if she doesn't stop. "I don't want a boyfriend or a fuck buddy. I'm fine by myself. I have absolutely no interest in the drama and heartache it brings. Trust me, I'm not looking forward to falling in love."

"You're so weird." She chuckles.

"I know."

I hope she has other things to talk about or this is going to be the longest lunch in history. She goes to grab a salad at the small restaurant and I wait at our table with my lunch. My sandwich isn't really appealing but it'll do. At least, I have a mouth-watering cupcake for dessert. Chocolate, nonetheless. I take the first bite of my sandwich as Rosalie sets her tray on the table.

"Another boring sandwich."

"What's up with you today? Is it hit on Bella day? Besides, you eat a salad every day. Boring yourself."

Sitting at the table, she's angry, and I believe I hear her groan. "God, I'm sorry. I wasn't able to sleep last night. I had weird dreams."

"What kind of dreams? I ask with my mouth full.

She sighs. "You know, growing old and alone. I want a big family and whenever I get nervous, I dream that I don't."

"We're only eighteen. You need to relax. Your man will come when the time is right and trust me, at eighteen, you don't want to start your family."

"Yeah, I know. I just hate this phase of my life, you know. Being in between teenagers and adulthood. I like to party and have fun but it gets old fast. I want to start my adult life." She whines.

What am I supposed to tell her? She wants a life she can't have. We still have a long way to go before we graduate, we're here for a while. "Again, you're just eighteen. Enjoy it before you get old and become addicted to Botox. Once you get old, you're going to want all of your young days back."

"When did you get all serious and reasonable?"

I roll my eyes. "I haven't changed. I simply know what I want."

We eat the remaining of our lunch in silence, my ears are thankful. I have an English Literature class this afternoon. We are going to talk about Moby Dick. The teacher asked night.

"What are you doing this weekend?" She asks.

I have no idea. I expect her to ask me to join her for a shopping spree. Some people go to church every weekend, no matter the weather. Well, she goes shopping every weekend no matter the weather. She doesn't worry much about her finances, her main source of anxiety results in what outfit she's going to wear the following day. While my wardrobe consists of comfortable jeans and t-shirt, hers is a diversity of colors. Skirt after skirt after skirt, she has a collection. Plus, she has triple the amount of tops. Going shopping this weekend isn't really my plan, I want to continue reading my book and I want to get a few things done at home.

"I have a few things left to do for school and I want to relax."

"Seriously?" I nod. "We had a terrible week, all filled with exams." She pouts.

"You can ask Andrea maybe." I know she doesn't really like going shopping with Andrea because she looks at everything and wants to try on a zillion things. It slows her down, unlike me, I don't really shop for stuff when I go with her. I basically follow her around and spot a few things for me and go back later. Alone. I hate shopping for me with someone else. I already don't feel comfortable in my own skin or my clothes. I don't need a friend's advice, it doesn't change how I see myself or the clothes I want.

Rosalie eats her salad as if it was a chocolate bar, she looks so famish. Salad is fine but I don't understand how she can eat it every single day. Sometimes we go eat at a small restaurant off campus and although they make the best pizza in town, she always orders a salad. She is thin, very thin. I don't think she will gain

Yes, the cupcake was totally worth the calories. Rosalie is still drooling over it. I think someday she's just going to crack and eat like a pig for a month non-stop. Starving herself is not the option.

I walk to my next class, yawning. I wish I could go back home. There is a few things I want to check out on the computer. There are new equipment I want to look at for snowboarding season coming. I'm way too excited about this. I yawn again, my eyes are heavy.

"Hey Bella, ready for Lit class?" My friend Jasper asks sitting next to me.

"Hmm, no, not really. I was just asking myself if I go or not. I just want to go home."

"If you go, I'll go with you." Hmm, not going to happen, Jasper. I know what he has in mind. He's one of the guys I'm trying to push away. I mean, push his advances away. He's a nice guy but I'm not looking for a relationship. Boyfriend brings unwanted drama and I decide I don't have time for this. I want to concentrate on getting my diploma. Of course, I'm attracted to guys, some are really good looking around here. Jasper is one of them, I have to admit.

"No, it's okay. I can't skip now."

"Yeah, that's what I thought, you're not really the type of person who skips class."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask him, intrigued. Today is definitely not my day. My friends are all trying to get to me. Thankfully, I'm patient and it takes a lot of crap before I explode.

"Thank you for joining my class. Today, we'll go over Moby Dick. I want your thoughts on that book." I close my eyes. I might fall asleep so I reopen them right away.

My vision is blurry. I should have gone back home. Jasper gives me a stick of gum. It's his version of a black coffee. Whenever I'm tired he gives me a gum piece thinking it will keep me awake. I take it because I like gum but not because I think it will help me concentrate on Moby Dick. What about Shakespeare? That would be infinitely? better. I would actually participate in class instead of dosing off with my eyes open. I stretch my legs and my back cracks.

Two and a half hours later, and I'm finally home sitting crossed legs legged on the couch with my lap top on my thighs. I'm surfing on the Burton as good as the cupcake I had earlier. I love this stuff. Logging in onto my computer, Jasper and Rosalie are probably online and about to message me. I join the Burlington Chatroom and a couple of people say hi. I don't feel like chatting, I don't even know why I logged in in first place. I go back to my snowboarding gear and after looking at the different boards for fifteen minutes, I go back to the chat website and type in snowboard in the search bar in hope of finding a chatroom filled with people I can relate to.

I'm surprised to see how many people are in that room. This is going to be fun, I think.

Bella_Snow: Hi everyone!

Snowflake: Hi Bella. Where are you from?

Bella_Snow: I'm from Burlington, Vermont, you?

Snowflake: Seattle, Washington.

Edwardator: I'm from Colorado.

Bella_Snow: Colorado? Lucky you. Great mountains over there.

Edwardator: Have you ever been here?

Snowflake: Colorado is cool but I prefer Utah.

Bella_Snow: No. Never. Maybe someday.

This could end up being addictive. How come I have never checked out that room before? So many people I can talk to. Rosalie sends me a private message.

RosalieRules: Are you sure you don't want to come with me? Shopping, I mean.

I chuckle. Now that I have found this group, I'm not ready to leave my computer any time now.

Bella_Snow: I'll pass for this time. Call me tomorrow if you want to go for breakfast or something.

RosalieRules: Are you dismissing me?

Bella_Snow: I thought you were leaving…

RosalieRules: Whatever. I'll call you in the morning.

I go back to the group and Snowflake and Edwardator have gone offline. Too quiet, I remember that I'm not really in the mood to chat anyway. I'm tired and trying to find my new equipment before the season starts. I take some notes on a piece of paper, writing down the model and price. My eyes are heavy and I can't stop yawning. I take a last look at the chatrooms before calling it a night.

Jasper and Edwardator both sent me private message.

Edwardator: Hey. My friend went to Vermont last year. Apparently, you've got great resorts. I hope we can talk later. Are you new around here?

I reply.

Bella_Snow: Nothing like the Rockies, though. Yes, I'm new.

Edwardator: So, what's your thing?

My thing? I ask myself.

Bella_Snow: My thing? You mean snowboarding? That's my main thing but I'm also trying to keep my grades up.

Edwardator: Yeah, me too. How long have you been riding?

I smile. _Finally, someone to talk to about my passion_.

Bella_Snow: Few years. I'm looking for new equipment now.

He keeps asking me questions about my life and I feel like I'm not tired anymore. Before tonight, I have never shared so many personal things about myself to a stranger. The word stranger doesn't seem to fit, I feel like I know him already. We talk and he makes me laugh. Sharing my thoughts and feelings on different matter like literature or movies we both have seen, I have a good time. Our main subject is snowboarding, we can't stop talking about it. He loves to hang out at the snow park and I do too. We both dream of shredding for a living.

Edwardator: How was your life when you grew up?

Bella_Snow: Normal, I think. I've been friend with Rosalie for a very long time, We are inseparable. My parents are still together and we're pretty closed. What about you?

Edwardator: My parents are divorced but it was always me and my brothers. My mom is a strong woman and she took good care of us. It hasn't always been easy but we're all good.

Bella_Snow: I bet she is strong. It was really tough on Rosalie when her parents divorced.

Edwardator: It was a long time ago. My mom made sure we didn't lose the family values she had taught us.

The battery of my laptop is about to die. Its 3am and I have to get some sleep.

Bella_Snow: Listen, I have to get some sleep. It's getting late and I'm supposed to have breakfast with a friend tomorrow.

Edwardator: Alright. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Sweet dreams.

I smile at the screen before shutting down the computer. My legs are stiffed from sitting all night. Talking to him was fun and different. Jasper is a good friend. We go snowboarding together but I've known him forever. It's good to have new people to talk to.

As soon as my head hits the pillow, I pass out. The exhaustion from the week finally kicks in. I need to rest and I can't wait for tomorrow. There is this guy in Colorado and I want to know more about him.


	2. Chapter 2

Hi, I'm sorry about the issue I had with the chapter earlier. I have no idea what happened.

Thanks to Fran for you help :)

 **Chapter two**

My phone is ringing. I know. I can hear the sound but decide to ignore it hoping eventually the caller will give up. That happens, right? Rosalie. She isn't really a quitter. She's going to call until I answer

"Rosalie." My morning voice is unrecognizable.

"About time. Are you still up for breakfast?"

 _No, definitely not._

I think fast. "What about lunch? I have to catch up on my sleep. I went to bed late."

"Are you kidding me?" She sighs.

I cross my fingers. "Please. I really can't do it."

She groans loudly into the receptor of the phone. "Okay, fine, but know that I'm mad at you."

I chuckle knowing she won't be mad for more than thirty seconds. "I'll see you later."

I let the phone fall to my side and try to get some more sleep. Seconds later, I'm back to my dreamland. This is the good life. Weekends are.

The ring of my phone wakes me up again, but this time, the sound irritates me more than anything. I have a headache and this doesn't represent a good start to my day. I pick it up from where I had let it fall earlier.

"Rosalie."

"Bella. What about our lunch? It's one in the afternoon and you didn't call **.** "

I take a few seconds to get it together, rubbing my puffy eyes and stretching my legs. "I just woke up. Give me half an hour. I'll call you."

"Bella." I hear her exasperated voice calling my name, but I turn off my phone. The bottle of Advil is screaming my name and the shower is claiming me. I need to get myself ready. The headache will be gone by the time I'm out of the shower. Well, at least, I hope so.

Unlike most girls, I can get ready in less than twenty minutes. I grab clean clothes from my room and go directly to the bathroom. The cold water splashing me head on, this is the best way to get rid of the puffy eyes. It works for me, anyway. Few seconds later, I get the warm water running. This is the best part of my day. So far.

After stepping out of the shower, I twist a towel around my head to help dry my hair. Removing the droplets of water from my body, shivers cover me from head to toe when the cool air hits my skin. I hurry into my clothes and get the hair dryer on to warm me up. In no time, I'm ready to go.

Rosalie. I have to call Rosalie. As I reach my room, I'm surprised to find her sitting on my bed reading one of my books.

"I said I would call," I say looking at her in disbelief.

"I was in the neighborhood and I didn't want you to change your mind. Are you ready?" She smiles knowing she is crossing a line.

Trust.

"I said I would call. I have no intention of letting you down. You know me, I'm better than this."

"Put on your jacket, get your handbag. We're leaving."

I take my lip-gloss, my small, sports handbag and follow her out the door. Thank God we are going out for food because my stomach is about to call me if I keep ignoring him.

We sit in her car, a brand new Volkswagen. I love her car and it still has the new car scent. She sets her music, Christina Aguilera, of course. I'm more interested in rock alternative, metal, but definitely not Aguilera. Saying something would be disrespectful so I keep my mouth shut and I listen to whatever she wants. Music plays a huge part in my life; it's like therapy.

"So what did you end up doing last night?"

I think about her question and my thoughts instantly shift to Edward.

"I spent some time on the internet. I found a snowboarding chatroom and started to talk with some of them. It was fun. People can say whatever they want on the internet; I think it's a good place to meet new people."

"Oh! Sweet. I found a dress for Christmas."

"Christmas? We still have months to go before Christmas." I laugh and she joins me.

"You know me. It's perfect, exactly what I want." She pauses. "Don't laugh. You'll understand when you see it. It's the perfect shade of red. It's cherry red and I look like Patricia Rabbit; hot."

I laugh harder. "You're crazy. I'm sure you look good, though. You can pull off about anything. You would still look great wearing your mom's clothes from the 80s."

"Same applies to you."

I roll my eyes.

Liar.

Rosalie is the perfect ginger bombshell. She's confident, smart and has guys lining up everywhere she goes. While I'm just the girl next door trying to be happy with what my parents have given me.

We finally arrive at our favorite Mexican restaurant. We don't need to discuss it because this is our favorite place. We eat here every chance we get. The staff knows us well; we are one of their best customers.

"Ladies." We are greeted by Alessandro. We don't know him outside of this place, but I know he asked Rosalie out a couple of weeks ago. She has never mentioned anything about it. By the way she smiles at him, maybe I should ask. Something is going on here.

"So, what happened on your date?"

She blushes cherry red and avoids looking at me. "I wouldn't be here if I hadn't had a good time. He's a gentleman. I'm not sure if we're going to go out again, but he's a nice guy."

"I'm glad you had a good time. Latinos are romantic, I've heard." It's good if she's into the romantic kind of relationship.

"Yes and you should start dating, too."

Right! I saw it coming. "Yes, maybe, I should."

"Jasper is all about you, you know that right?" _I know, I know!_

"Yes, but he's Jasper. He's more like a brother or a cousin. It would feel weird. So weird." Blushing only by the thought of something happening between us, I force myself to think of something else. He is cute, though. My type of guy.

"Maybe but you won't know unless you give him a try."

I hate when she does this. "Oh my god, you're terrible. You know that, right?"

We ate like pigs and Alessandro asked her on a second date. Of course, she accepted.

After hearing all about Alessandro again, I'm starting to get tired and am ready to head back home. I listen to her blabbering a little bit longer and she's quite funny. Rosalie gets agitated and I can see how excited she is in her eyes.

Back at home, my books are opened and I'm supposed to study but I can't. I'm distracted by the message I received from Edwardator, a simple _'good morning'._ Is that really all it takes to make me smile?

Apparently, yes.

 **Bella_Snow: Good morning, or afternoon.**

The time difference can be confusing. I wait a few seconds, but I don't have a reply. He doesn't seem to be online.

 **Bella_Snow: How are you?**

I wait again but nothing.

 **Da_Jasper: Hey sunshine! I'm going to see a movie, do you want to come?**

I sigh. _Is it a date or not?_ He's just a friend. I shouldn't worry about this.

 **Bella_Snow: Which movie?**

 **Da_Jasper: I don't know. We'll decide once we get there.**

 **Edwardator: Hi Bella_Snow!**

Oh, he's here! He sent me a private message right away.

 **Edwardator: Sorry, I was reading.**

 **Bella_Snow: Call me when you're picking me up, Jasper. I have stuff to do.**

I say hoping to have a little bit of time to chat with Edwardator before he shows up here.

 **Bella_Snow: Hey you. Any plans for today?**

 **Edwardator: Not really. I'm taking it easy reading. What about you?**

 **Bella_Snow: I'm going to the movies with a friend.**

 **Edwardator: Okay. No Boyfriend?**

I blush. Why do I blush? It's just talking and he lives far away. And we're on the internet. It's not real. The last time we talked, we covered plenty of subjects but nothing basic. Many questions still wandered in my mind.

 **Bella_Snow: No boyfriend. You?**

 **Edwardator: haha! No boyfriend.**

I blush beet red and laugh at myself. Of course, it's not what I meant.

 **Edwardator: If you were asking me if I have a girlfriend, then the answer is no.**

 **Bella_Snow: It was, indeed my question. So your name is Edward? Edward?**

 **Edwardator: Yes. I like yours. Bella. Tell me more about you…**

Okay. What should I tell him? I'm not the most interesting person on earth, but I don't want to lie. Lying sucks. Truth's always a winner. I just wish my life would be more exciting.

 **Bella_Snow: I have a brother and a sister. I live in Vermont and am currently studying English Lit. My mother is from** **Canada, so I have dual nationalities** **and speak fluent French. Snowboarding takes a pretty big place in my life. Anything else you want to know?**

 **Edwardator: French? That's awesome. Snowboarding is my life. I'm also studying, computer engineering.**

 **Bella_Snow: So I take it, you are a smart guy.**

 **Edwardator: Something like that.**

Chuckling, I type my next message.

 **Bella_Snow: Oh** **trust me;** **you know more than I do. About computers, anyway**.

I could talk to him all night. I don't understand why I find it so intriguing to chat with him. I normally only talk with my real friends. I mean, people I hang out with in the real world.

We chat, we ask each other questions. I get myself a bowl chicken noodle soup and a diet coke. I'm set for dinner. Nothing too complicated, I know I'll probably eat tons of popcorn or M&Ms tonight.

 **Bella_Snow: I'm back. You want some M &Ms?**

 **Edwardator: Sure. I'm watching The Crow at the same time. Something to snack on would be great.**

 **Bella_Snow: Did you say The Crow as in Brendan Lee? It's my favorite movie. I know it by heart.**

 **Edwardator: It's a very good movie.** **Maybe someday we** **can watch it together.**

He teases.

 **Bella_Snow: Let's set a date.**

I add kidding, but maybe there is a bit of truth in there. What if we end up meeting one day? I know I can't really afford it now with the University and everything.

 **Edwardator: This would be fun. You could teach me French. I've always wanted to learn a different language.**

 **Bella_Snow: I'll be your private** **tutor.** **French is hard. You'll need a lot of practice.**

 **Edwardator: Don't let me down, I'll work hard.**

 **Bella_Snow: I promise I won't.**

I type and press send and, I realize that it may have sounded a bit flirty. Inappropriate, maybe. I have no idea why, but this is exciting. Why do I have such a big smile on my face? I feel like an idiot.

 **Edwardator: I'll be the perfect student. Not too much homework, please. I have to get offline. I'm leaving early in the morning for two days. I have a few things to do. I'll talk to you when I get back.**

Crap. Okay. Two days is nothing.

What the hell, Bella? I don't even know him, yet. I'm just getting to know him. Perhaps, this is what I find so thrilling. Rosalie is right, I have to get a life. Go out more and meet new people. I wouldn't be sitting here, all excited if I had a life and more people in it. I have to open up, step it up a notch or two. But Edward, has made me… happy. He makes me smile and I barely know him.

 **Bella_Snow: Bonne Nuit. I'll talk to you soon.**

 **Edwardator: That** **means** **good night, right? See ya. Hugs.**

I shut down my laptop in a hurry. This is getting too weird. He says hugs and I flush. He's so far away, and I've never met him. We've been talking for two days. I don't know him much and he already resides in my mind.

This is nuts.

Jasper will be here to pick me up in a little over an hour, I presume. Although, I feel fine, I want to take a nap. I still feel the exhaustion of the week and I want to clear my mind. This internet thing is nonsense.

Turning off the TV, I lay down on the couch. With my eyes close, I try to think about what I could do with my life. Should I try to give Jasper a chance or will we lose the friendship we have now? I don't think there is a perfect answer to that question. I'll see how it goes with him tonight. He's a good, respectful friend, and that I don't want to lose. And it's not all about me. Maybe he only wants me as a friend. I sigh and rub my face with both of my hands.

"This is exactly why I stay away from guys. I don't want the distraction."

 _And now I talk to myself out loud._

I'm losing it.

I watched Rosalie get her heart broken too many times. She was always the type of girl who liked to be around the opposite sex. It started when we were fifteen, and she fell in love with Patrick, and after six months, he broke up with her. After two days, she stopped crying, but it took her a week before she started eating again. It happened two or three more times and that's when I decided to wait as long as possible before falling in love.

All that pain seemed unnecessary.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks for reading and reviewing. Also, thanks to Fran for you beta skills :)

Chapter THREE

Sitting in Jasper's old Volvo is like riding a really old board. Every curve feels like we are on the verge of losing control. I hold the handle of the door trying to make me feel safer. He needs a new car or I'm going to have a panic attack. Thankfully, the movie theater's location is only a few blocks away. He parks the Volvo at the first available spot he finds and we walk awkwardly to the theater. I try to relax. Maybe it's too much at the same time.

"Did you have a good day?" I ask, not sure where to start.

He smiles at me. "Yeah, I worked for a couple of hours. You know, same as usual." There is something different in his smile. I call it hope.

Jasper works in his uncle's small garage. He's pretty good with cars, so he says.

"So, I checked earlier and there is a chick flick or a paranormal/horror movie that look like potential choices." I can hear the lack of excitement in his voice.

"I don't think you want to watch a chick flick so I guess we'll go for the horror one and I won't be able to sleep for a week." I chortle, but it's the truth.

"I can keep you company if you want." He laughs, but I'm not sure where he is going with that statement.

"Hmm…"

He places his arm around my shoulder. "Breath now. I was kidding."

"Right," I say under my breath. I guess maybe he isn't really interested in me anymore. I'm not the most attractive girl after all.

"Bella, you have to stop this. Smile now, it's an order." He lifts my chin so my eyes met his.

"You know me too well." I force a smile. "By the way, I'm getting a popcorn with extra butter." Last time we went to the movies, we had the biggest slushy ever made and I spent the entire movie freezing to death. That was a terrible idea.

"Popcorn is good. I love when the popcorn gets stuck in between my teeth. It's like a challenge. How the hell am I going to remove it without the person next to me noticing?" He laughs.

"I've seen worst."

"Oh really? Tell me, go on."

"You spent your childhood having daily nose bleeds, you cried watching the Titanic and you once fell off the chairlift." I can stop laughing. "I could go on and on."

"Please stop, it's embarrassing."

We enter the theater and walk to the ticket booth. I reach into my pocket to grab some cash, but Jasper is paying for both of us. Again. Naturally, his arm is around my shoulder, not really in a lover kind of way but more like a big brother way. He hands me my ticket and we walk to the concession stand. My money is already in my hand, ready to pay. This isn't a date, this is supposed to be two friends hanging out. He shouldn't pay for me.

"Two regular popcorn, one with extra butter. One diet coke and…"

"A bottle of water, for me."

I put my twenty on the counter and pay for the snacks.

The movie has started and already I know I'll be too scared to get out of bed in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. This movie is completely crazy. Insane might describe it best. I'm hiding my eyes behind my hands most of the time and Jasper's arm his pulling me against him. My heart is beating fast, way too fast. Maybe because of the movie but maybe because Jasper is attempting to get closer. I can't say I'm not liking it, it feels great.

It ends with a cliff-hanger. My heart pounds in my chest and it infuriates me. It only means there will be a sequel, right? Well, I won't be watching.

"Are you okay?" He gives me a small squeeze, pushing me against his side.

"I'm not sure. This movie was ..."

"Good. I liked it, but from the look on your face, you didn't."

"I just can't help and wonder what is wrong with the writer of that movie. The person who writes horror movie probably has some kind of issue. I mean, it's terrible and insane. Nobody should think about stuff like this. It's evil."

"Next time, we're going to go for the chick flick."

"Absolutely." No hesitation here.

We talked for a while before getting back into the car. The weather is cold for a September night. I don't regret wearing a scarf because I can hide my ears and chin into it to keep warm. Punk music starts playing through the speakers of his car. This reminds me of the early mornings of winter going to the mountain for a day of snowboarding. We do this every chance we get which is a couple of times a week.

"Another month at least and we're going to get our boards to the mountain." How he knows I was thinking about this surprises me.

"I'm counting the days. I'm so ready for this." I look up at Jasper and smiles.

"Me too."

He walks me to the door of my apartment. I don't know why but this is now starting to feel awkward. All night, we had fun. I was comfortable, but now it's like the vibe switched and I don't know what to make of it.

"Good night, Bella. I'll see you tomorrow. Call me if you can't sleep." He winks and approaches me rapidly to kiss my cheek. My cheek, but very close to the corner of my mouth. I'm sure my face is red. I didn't expect it.

"Good…Hmm… good night, Jasper. I'll…I'll talk to you tomorrow." Right, now I stutter.

Turning around, I avoid looking at him and I close the door. I undo my shoes. I probably look like a complete idiot, but I can live with that. I also realize that I need new shoes.

In the warmth of my small studio, I press my back again the door. I've never been so lost in my life. I feel like running to my laptop, but I know I won't find Edward. It might only be Rosalie and her talk about Jasper that makes me feel confused. She's probably going to question me about the movie, but I don't want to think about it anymore. It scared the shit out of me.

I remove my shoes and kick them out of my way, I let my body fall on the couch as I watch the stars shining in the dark sky through the window. My mind relaxes while I watch them shine and I seem to forget what's bugging me.

What is really bugging me?

Jasper? His friendship knows no bound or limit. He's always the good guy with me. Or is it Edward? The guy living far, the one I'm getting to know. I like how mysterious he is and how interested he seems to get to know me. This is something new, unknown. It gets me out of my comfort zone.

I close my eyes, I try to shake the thoughts from my mind. Two days. If I can make it through two days without thinking about my internet friend, I'll be happy. I've only just met him, I can't see what the problem will be.

"Two days," I mumble to myself.

Relaxing on the couch doesn't do it anymore. I have to do something with myself because thinking about boys or the movie will turn into the longest night ever. Of course, I grab my laptop. I haven't touched it since saying good night to Edward and at the moment, I'm not convinced turning it on is a good idea. I don't expect any messages and strangely, I hope there will be none.

Staying away from the chat rooms is the best thing I can do. I go back directly to my snowboarding gear and I spend some time surfing through every item and reading reviews. After an hour, I give in and I open up the chat rooms. Out of curiosity, I want to look but at the same time, I don't. I want to shut down the laptop but I don't. If I don't look, it will keep haunting me and I already have the movie haunting me. It's enough.

I take a look. His name pops, flashing. I have a message. Rosalie's name too. And Jasper's. I'm reminded why I didn't want to log in.

This.

I click on Edwardator and I'm surprised to see a couple of messages.

 **Edwardator: Are you there?**

 **Edwardator: Right, you are at the movies.**

 **Edwardator: I just wanted to say Hi. I can't seem to be able to stay away.**

 **Edwardator: I'll talk to you soon.**

I check out the main room to see if he is online. He's not.

Crap!

 **Bella_Snow: I'm sorry I was at the movies. Terrible horror movie. I don't think I'll be able to sleep peacefully for the entire month or year. I hope you have a good time wherever you are going. Talk to you soon.**

I'm happy he left me a message, but at the same time, I wish he didn't because now I want to talk to him. God, I don't even know him. Why does it feel like that? Something's wrong with me.

I click on Jasper's message.

Da_Jasper: I had a good time with you. I hope you're not too scared. I'll see you tomorrow. X

A kiss? He never does that. Why now? Maybe tonight, it marked the beginning of something. Do I want that to happen? I don't know, I'm so confused. I know we could share something great, but it scares me. My mind is filled with doubts.

Bella_Snow: I'll be fine, I promise or I'll give you a call. Good night. I had a good time too.

I press send and I feel bad for not returning the kiss or for acting so coldly. Playing games will not help me in the end. Right now, I can't think clearly so this is how it's going to be.

I'll be the friend I've always been until I can make up my mind.


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you for reading and reviewing xox

Thank you Fran. I'm very happy to have you :)

Chapter FOUR

I hear the alarm on my phone, but it doesn't wake me up entirely. It rings and it rings, but I don't pick up. I mute it and go back to sleep. It's so much better that way.

WAKING UP!

Oh, my god! I grab my phone and look at the time. I'm late. I'm so late to class. No time to shower. I'm a complete mess. My hair is not cooperating. I grab my beanie and hide it underneath; I look like a hippie. Clothes are thrown on the floor and I'm creating a mess in my dresser trying to find something to wear. I grabbed my jeans, a random t-shirt, my favorite hoodie and I hurry out of the door with my backpack in hand. I run to the campus and out of breath, I promise myself to exercise more. By the time I reach my class, I'm more than thirty minutes late. As I sat in the lonely free chair, I crave the one thing I can't have.

A coffee.

The teacher eyes me in an unhappy way. My breathing is noisy and I'm going through the papers and books in my backpack to fetch the right one. It takes me a few minutes to catch up settle.

I realize it has been two days. I won't be able to check my laptop until late today.

Nine more hours.

My eyes divert to the sky and I'm blinded by the sun. I still find my solace and move on with my day.

"Hey, Bella!" I recognize Jasper's voice. "We're going to grab something to eat at the small café. Are you coming with us?"

"Hmm…" I don't know. It will probably take another hour until I reach my apartment but they are my friends and I can't deny them. "Sure." I can't let my curiosity for Edward push away my friends.

"Come on, girl." Rosalie grabs me hooks our arms together.

We walk to the small café that right off campus. A lot of students meet there. It's a popular spot and sometimes too crowded. Even though I had planned to go back to my place for obvious reasons, I know eating here will be diverting.

"So how was the date… the movie last night?" Rosalie asks us and I know her little attempt to mention the word date was all planned.

"The movie was acceptable for any horror movies addict I guess, but to me, it only haunted my dreams to the point of making me wake up late this morning."

"Oh, that's why you're wearing that beanie. I thought it was weird."

I roll my eyes at her. "Thank for nicely telling me I look like shit." I chuckle.

"No, no… it's just…"

"Different," Jasper adds. "It's something I'm used to seeing on the mountain. Not, here."

"Okay. Well, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I promise I won't wake up late ever again. I wouldn't dare to look different ever again." I say smiling and adding more drama than necessary.

I get up from my seat and go order my food.

"I'll have the chicken salad wrap with the cucumber salad, a regular coffee, two sugars, two milks and a chocolate chip cookie."

"Sure." She types my order into the register and I give her my money before she even says how much. I want to run back to my place. Jasper and Rosalie's comments about my hair weren't meant to hurt me, but I really wish I hadn't woken up late. A shower is all I dream of or hiding under the sheets of my bed. Although I might hide there with my laptop because my curiosity has reached its limit by now.

I wait for my food and Rosalie is standing next to me. She sighs and I can see guilt in her eyes. What is her problem, exactly?"

"Okay. I'm sorry. I like your beanie. I wanted to tease you, not piss you off."

"Apology accepted," I say not looking at her. Her eyes are on me, I can feel them and I'm about to start laughing because I know she's going crazy.

I let go of a smile and she elbows me in the rib.

"Oww. That wasn't necessary." We both start laughing and at that moment, Jasper joins us and orders his food.

We eat, laugh and talk for more than two hours. Rosalie is back to being the funny friend instead of picking on me every thirty seconds. By the time we're out the door, it's dark and the air has turned cool. Immediately my eyes rise to the sky, looking at the stars watching over me. I say my goodbye when we reach the corner of my street. I run inside, taking the key out of my pocket. So many things I have to do: Pee, homework, shower. Oh yes, I really need to shower but not before I turn on my computer.

If I have a message waiting from him, I'll feel a little better about thinking about him so much. If I don't, I'll try my best to forget and move on. I'm sitting with my laptop on my lap, praying that I'll have a message or an email.

Something.

Of course, it takes forever for my computer to start. When it finally comes to life, I pressed on the chat icon and wait for it to open.

Because I'm about to go crazy over someone I don't know, I try looking elsewhere to calm down but the machine is inches from my face and I finally look down.

 **Edwardator: Hi Bella. I'm back.**

 **He sent me numerous messages at different** **times** **during the day.**

 **Edwardator: I was thinking about you, wondering what you were up to.**

 **Edwardator: Hope we can talk tonight.**

My heart is pounding. He was thinking about me while I was thinking about him. I stretch my fingers before starting to type.

 **Bella_Snow: Hi Edward. I'm here.**

 **Bella_Snow: I was thinking about you too.**

I type and send.

What is it? Is it the beginning of something? I wait for his reply. He doesn't seem to be online. It's so frustrating. I join the snowboarding room and I read everybody's comments. I see a couple of them from Edward and they seem to know each other well. As well as real friends. There are guys and girls too. I send a few comment here and there and try to follow the discussion.

A private message from Jasper pops up and I feel torn. I don't know what to do with him.

 **Da_Jasper: Hey Bella. What are you doing? You seemed in a hurry. Is everything okay?**

He noticed how fast I left them. I feel bad. I shouldn't act like this with my friends. They are important. I was simply too obsessed with the messages I was hoping for. I got them. I'm happy and relieved.

 **Bella_Snow: I'm sorry. I'm okay. I have a lot to do tonight. You know, homework and stuff. SHOWER!**

I laugh. While Edward is not online, maybe I should take a much-needed shower. Nothing feels better than a shower. I really can't skip it tonight, I look like hell and my hair is dirty to the point that I look like Kurt Cobain at the end of a concert.

After my shower, I put on my favorite sweat pants and t-shirt; I grab my laptop and check if I have new messages.

I do!

 **Edwardator: What were you thinking about?**

 **Edwardator: Still there?**

"Yes! I'm here, I'm here." I say out loud while my fingers hit the keyboard.

 **Bella_Snow: I'm here**

I send him this one now because the coming answer will take longer to type.

 **Bella_Snow: I've been thinking about the fact that I don't know you all that much but yet, I think about you a lot. You have me curious. I want to get to know you more. I wonder what you look like. Meeting you would be really cool. If only I could afford a webcam.**

 **Edwardator: I know how you feel. It's basically the same thing for me. I like you. You seem like a rad person. Don't worry about the webcam, I can't either.**

 **Bella_Snow: You make me blush.**

It's true. I can feel the heat on my face. The fact that I'm reacting so strongly to his words is surprising me.

 **Edwardator: I would like to see that.**

I have no idea what to say to this. It's not like I could tell him to come over. I try to find something to say, but I don't know.

 **Edwardator: Did you find the equipment you were looking for? I could** **help if you want** **.**

Okay, this is easier.

 **Bella_Snow: I found a few things that I want. I just need to make up my mind. I want new bindings because I broke the right one last year and** **new boots** **. I also want a tattoo so I have all these** **expenses** **to plan.**

 **Edwardator: A tattoo, what do you want to get?**

See? He's curious too. I like that. I smile, I can't stop smiling.

 **Bella_Snow: I want a couple of stars. I have an obsession. Some people like meditation, I like watching the stars.**

 **Edwardator: I like the idea. I want a tattoo too.**

 **Edwardator: I'm watching the sky now.**

 **Bella_Snow: It's beautiful, isn't it?**

I wait a couple of seconds, but there's nothing. He's offline. Why am I suddenly sad? Tossing my laptop to the side, I grab my book and start reading. I have to read over a hundred pages for my next class, which gives me very little time. Reading brings me to another world, I get lost in the book and I love this place. It keeps my mind away from things until I peek at my laptop and see two missing messages.

One from Rosalie and the second one from Edward. Because I'm all for self-inflicted cruelty, I check Rosalie's message first and wait to read Edward's.

 **RosalieRules: Hey girl. Are you okay? You seemed off today.**

It's impossible to hide anything from her.

 **Bella_Snow: I'm okay. I left in a hurry this morning. I was anxious to get back home and chill.**

 **RosalieRules: You left us and ran to your place, that's very unlike you.**

Did I really run?

 **Bella_Snow: Okay. I have to be honest with you. I met someone online and I was anxious to talk to him and take a shower.**

 **RosalieRules: WHAT? Why am I just now hearing about this?**

Oh, my god! I shouldn't have told her. Now, she won't stop asking me questions and I know it won't stop today. I can already tell she'll ask for details every day, but apart from talking there isn't much happening. It's not as if I was going to lose my virginity online. It's all talking with Edward, it's all we have.

 **Bella_Snow: because it's very recent.**

 **RosalieRules: Are you going to meet him soon?**

 **Bella_Snow: Probably not. He lives in Colorado.**

 **RosalieRules: Couldn't you find someone who lives nearby? Why so far? Jasper would be the perfect match for you if you would just give him a chance.**

I groan in frustration.

Jasper's fine. The problem is me. For some reason, I have a hard time thinking about him that way. I'm sure I would be okay with him. He would be good to me, and all, but there is something stopping me. Now, with Edward, there's something there. It does suck that we're so far apart but when we talk, I feel something switching inside of me. My heart fires like a non-stop firework. I have to get to know him more.

Oh, my god, I have to check his message.

 **Edwardator: Sorry about that. I was working on something with the computer. I got distracted.**

 **Bella_Snow: No problem. I was talking to my friend about you. Now, she won't stop asking me questions.**

 **Edwardator: Don't tell her I'm a serial killer, she may not like me.**

 **Bella_Snow: That's kind of creepy.**

I laugh. He is nothing like a serial killer. No signs would lead me to think about him that way. He's funny.

 **Edwardator: I'm sorry. I was kidding. Is she freaking out about you talking to me?**

 **Bella_Snow: Right now, she's freaking out about me talking to a guy. Period. She'll probably harass me for more information.**

 **Edwardator: Yeah, I told one of my brothers and friends too. They think I'm** **weird, but** **I don't care. I feel like I've known you for years. It's different and I like that. I like you and talking to you.**

 **Bella_Snow: Moi aussi. Tu es charmant. I hope you got your English/French dictionary.**

I tease him and I feel a very light flutter of a butterfly in my belly. What is this?

 **Edwardator: You don't fight fair. What does that mean?**

 **Bella_Snow: It means. Me too. You're charming.**

And I'm blushing again. I wonder if he is. What I would give to see him or talk to him.

 **Bella_Snow: Do you think we could talk on the phone soon? It could be fun. I would love to hear your voice too.**

 **Edwardator: Yes, that would be great.**

 **Bella_Snow: Okay, will do.**

 **Edwardator: Something to add** **to our** ** _to do_** **list.**

Our. So there's now an , _our_. I squeal with joy. Can I really be falling for this guy? I think the answer is yes. I can feel a connection, something strong between us and it feels real and powerful. Now that I think about all of this, I might also be crazy. It could explain my reaction to a complete stranger.

 **Bella_Snow: You're at the top of my list, Edward. I really want to meet you. I hope this is really going to happen.**

 **Edwardator: I hope. Maybe we could do this after the semester or in the summer. Winter would be cool too, we could ride together all day and relax at night. It would be nice.**

So many things I want to do. I can see myself with him even if I don't know what he looks like. It really doesn't matter. I like who he is and it's all I need. Never in my life had I known what I wanted in a man but Edward filled every criteria I could think of and we've only started talking so recently. How will it be after months of talking, or after meeting each other? Or after a simple phone call. This train of thought is making me impatient. I want to do this now. I'm young, I know, but I can make this work.

 **Bella_Snow: We could go out, have some fun. Get wild, enjoy life or we could spend some time watching the stars. Both of us, together beneath the stars. This is what I want, Edward.**

I'm scared to get carried away. Scaring him away would break me. I don't want him to run for the hills, I have to be careful.

 **Edwardator: You have a soft side, you're a romantic.**

 **Bella_Snow: I'm not sure what I am** **really** **. I just speak from the heart… as cheesy as it sounds.**

 **Edwardator: I like that about you. If you want, we can send each other a picture by mail? Mine isn't really** **recent but** **I haven't changed since it was taken. I'll email you my address if you want.**

 **Bella_Snow: I would love that very much.**

I have to ask Rosalie to help me with the pictures. I need new ones. She is going to love this.

For two hours, we've been talking about our future. He wants to meet me, for real. Edward is serious. I'm flattered and humbled. I can't wait to call him, hear his voice and connect with him on another level. Anything that could make it real. Is it really real? I want to touch him or I want him to pinch me; that would make it real?

Can I fall for something so unreal?

I sigh.

I think it's far too late for that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you so much Fran. You help means A LOT. :D xox**

Chapter Five.

I inhale and exhale the way they do in a relaxation class. This is completely ridiculous. Act like an adult, Bella. Edward is an amazing man, no matter what this picture says. Sitting on the couch, I wait an extra minute before I finally feel like it's time.

With shaky fingers, I rip the envelope open and I find a letter. I unfold it and a picture falls from it onto my lap. My eyes are too concentrated on the words written on the white paper. On top of the sheet, there is an arrow and next to it, it says _, "kissed here."_ I think my heart is melting with joy and…love. Never before, have I seen anything so cute. With impatience, I start reading but my eyes can only skip through everything. It takes me three times before I can say that I've actually read the whole letter. His handwriting is very light and masculine and surprisingly easy to read. Usually I find that men have a hard time writing.

At the end of the letter, right next to his name, he drew a heart with a 'u' next to it. He loves me, right? Is that what it means? Jesus Christ, what is happening to my brain? Typically when someone draws a heart with a 'you' next to it, that's what it means. Edward loves me and I'm pretty sure I love him too.

Finally, I take the pictures. There are two. Turning them around, I stop breathing for a few seconds. "Oh my god!" I exclaim. "He's gorgeous." And now, I'm talking out loud to myself. He has long hair, down to his shoulder with beautiful brown eyes. I'll never forget those eyes. Tears of love or maybe joy blur my eyes. Edward is more than I thought he would be. He's everything. I wish I could reach him now, but I can't. My eyes drift between the two pictures; I love them both. One of them is a portrait, the type of picture we get at a studio, taken by a professional. The other one was taken outdoors, by a lake or something. He's shirtless. I'm staring and I think I'll keep doing that for a while.

I can't take my eyes off him.

I try again, but I can't. What does that say about me? It says it all. I'm in love.

I'M IN LOVE!

It's official.

The pictures are the piece that used to be missing in my mind to make this whole thing real. This is real, I no longer have doubts. His face, his smile, his eyes haunt my mind or at least, they are finally taking the place that I had reserved for him.

I love him.

So much.

I bring my computer back to life and open my emails. Nothing, no new ones but I don't care. I have to talk to him even if it's only a one-sided conversation. This is it. This is my moment. The moment where I've finally fallen in love with someone.

From: Bella Swan

To: Edward Cullen

Date: November 19th, 1999

Edward,

I received the pictures and I'm…I'm speechless. You're cute. No, you're not cute. You're gorgeous. The photos are sitting right next to my computer and I can barely keep my eyes away from them. I love your style, your eyes. There is a good chance that I'm falling in love with you, Edward. I know it's crazy because I've never met you, but this is it. You make me feel good; you can read me like no one else. There's definitely something going on between us and I think it's called love. What do you think? Well, you said you love me in your letter. I wish I had in mine. I guess, it made me nervous.

I'm sorry.

Email me when you're back home.

I miss you

Bella xox

I press send and my heart is pounding. There is a wave of tingles running throughout my body. My hands are clammy and I'm suddenly thirsty. The first diet coke I grab, I drop on the floor. I grab a second one trying to hold onto this time. Rosalie, I have to call her. Holding my phone in one hand and my drink in the other, I dial her number but it isn't without a struggle. My finger keeps hitting the wrong number.

"Hey Bella, what's going on?" She answers the phone like she's in control.

I'm so…NOT.

"Rosalie. I have the pictures. I received two."

"Oh my god, how is he?"

"Fucking perfect! He's a cutie. It all makes sense now in my head. I can imagine him saying the things he writes to me. I'm melting just at the thought."

"Bella, you're in love." She laughs.

"I know I am." This is no surprise. "It's so real." But so unreal at the same time.

"You're going to have to get on a plane, girl!"

My heart skips a beat. "Yes…this is a big deal. Such a big deal."

"Do you think he'll be your…hum…first?"

Did she just ask me that? "Rosalie, seriously." I chuckle shyly. She knows everything about me anyway; I might as well talk about it. "I want him to be."

"This is so cute. I'm so excited for you."

"I haven't talked to him yet. He's away for the weekend and it's killing me. I wish I could call him, but I sent him an email. It's all I can do for now."

"I'm sure he's going to check his email first thing when he returns." She had a point.

"Right." I know he will. I smile hoping he misses me too.

"Hey, I'm sorry but I have to get going. I'm in the laundry room now but I'll be online later."

"Okay. Talk to you later."

I went back to my laptop with the pictures next to it. Surfing on the web gets boring; I keep waiting for the small _'ding'_ alerting me of a new email, but it doesn't happen. I check our chatroom and I start talking with some people from the snowboard room. They are a friendly bunch and most of them are friends in Colorado. They try to get together at least once a month. Apparently, Edward attends most of the time. Maybe I will go one day too. Dreaming helps the mind, I'll keep dreaming about meeting Edward because it makes me feel good.

 _Ding…_

My heart starts beating fast, blood rushes to my face. A tsunami of excitement runs through me. Is it an email from him? _Please be_ _it **;**_ _please be it,_ I repeat. With my trembling fingers, I manage to get on my email tab and it's him.

My Edward.

I double or triple click on the email, it doesn't open fast enough for me.

From: Edward Cullen

To: Bella Swan

Date: November 19th, 1999

Hey cutie,

I also received your pictures and you are beautiful. Your smile, it's so real and honest. It shines. Thank you for sending them to me.

I read your email or part of it a couple of times.

I love you too. It's hard to explain. This isn't a feeling that I'm familiar with and we're far apart but, somehow, I think we're going to find a way to make it work. I want it to work. Us. My feelings for you are real and I think we're going to have to travel soon.

I have to get back to my brothers before they kick my ass.

Love,

Edward xox

I sigh. I'm going to have to get used to this. All the excitement, the emotions have me tired already. I yawn every couple of minutes.

After chatting a little bit more with the people from the snowboard room, I turn off my laptop, watch the stars for a couple of minutes and decide to **lie** down on my bed. With my eyes closed, I try to imagine him, or us, lying down together. A smile forms on my lips and I know I'm a complete lost cause. Love runs in my veins for the first time in my life. The last time, I crushed on someone that badly, it was the lead singer of Incubus, but that crush was pointless.

Edward and I are real. We have a lot of work coming if we want to make it work, but I want it badly.

My eyes are heavy but my smile isn't going anywhere. Can I actually fall asleep smiling? Yes, I can, and this is going to be how I fall asleep from now on.

November 22nd, 1999

We haven't talked since Friday night.

I miss him.

After going through a three-hour conversation with Rosalie on Saturday morning, she highly recommended that I take it easy. She understands my feelings, but she said this isn't a conventional relationship and I have to protect myself from the worst possibility. I hate that she's right. That being said, I haven't emailed him for the whole weekend. It nearly killed me because so many things popped into my head. Things I wanted to share with him. Like the fact that I'm a virgin. Yes, this is weird but he needs to know. I think we need to talk about these subjects. Emailing him about all those things would have been too fast and too soon. I don't want him running for the hills. This situation turns out to be emotionally challenging. Am I ready for something like this? I could end up marrying him or it could be the biggest heartbreak of my life.

Falling for Jasper would have been a lot easier even I will admit it.

Following my Monday schedule, I'm anxiously waiting for tonight. My watch has never been so annoyingly slow. My eyes keep checking the time and it's clearly not going fast enough.

I'm sitting in the food court, patiently waiting for Rosalie. Jasper is already ordering his lunch. Rosalie has become my safety net. I need her to keep me calm and not rush into things. If I could, I would grab my backpack and run to Edward but she remains the only one who is able to make me think.

"Hey, Bella."

"Hey, Jasper." I smile at him.

"You look great, you seem happier-ish or something."

I shrug. "I'm doing great; I had a good weekend, caught up on my sleep." Only because sleeping made the time goes by faster but seriously, I needed it. I had a lot of homework and studies to work on. "How was your weekend? You didn't call."

"No, I didn't. I hung out with the boys and I wanted to give you some space. We had a rough week." He chuckles awkwardly.

I join him, chuckling uncomfortably. "We had a challenging week, but we're good now, right?"

"We are," He says with a soft voice, his stare locking on mine. "I feel bad for being such an ass."

"I wasn't nice either. So, we're fine. We've both been harsh."

He gives me a quick hug and I know we're all good. Thankfully.

Hungry, I unwrap my chicken salad in a tortilla and start eating. This salad is getting boring. Maybe I should think of something else to eat. I mean, I've been eating the same thing forever. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich even sounds better. After each bite, I ask myself if I taste something. I really don't.

"Yeah, well, I think today is the day I can no longer eat this."

"You lasted longer than I expected. You've been eating chicken salad for months. After a while, I couldn't even eat it myself, just the smell…"

"Jasper!" I cut him off. "Enough or I'm going to be sick." I laugh. "I'm going to get a chocolate bar. I need something sweet."

"Women always need sweets." He mumbles teasingly.

"Shut up, Jasper." I punch his shoulder and my knuckles crack. "That hurts." I laugh shaking my hand as if they pain would go away.

My body functioned on the sugar I ate during my lunch break. A pack of Reeses and a bottle of orange-flavored Gatorade. The half of Rosalie's chocolate chip muffin might have been too much. I'm sitting in my Creative Writing class, my knees are shaking and I just want to laugh. Rosalie was right; my body is more than hyper. My knees are out of control and my hands too, it makes it hard to take my notes. The teacher is explaining stuff that I already know so I take a couple of seconds to take a peek at Edward's picture. I smile wide and my heart flutters.

I spend the last fifteen minutes of my class writing him a letter.

 _Edward,_

 _I'm in my_ _class, but_ _I can't help it but think about you. I can't wait to chat with you tonight. It's_ _crazy, but_ _I miss you. Yes, you have me completely under your charm. Everything reminds me of you. I've been listening to the music you suggested. I love every song from the latest Goldfinger album. It's now part of my morning routine. Every morning from the moment I wake up to the moment I reach my class, their beats keep me company. My friend Jasper is supposed to lend me one of the other CDs you mentioned. He owns it so I figure I could borrow it for a while._

 _Christmas is coming. The city and the malls_ _are ready_ _for the holidays. The decorations are up and I love it. I'm saving money to send you something. Your first Christmas present from me. The first of many. This is going to be fun._

 _I can't wait to meet your brothers, your_ _sister,_ _and your parents. Are your brothers like you? Do they like snowboarding too? I know you will fit_ _into_ _my family perfectly. My mom already seems to like you and you have my brother curious. I've never let a man in my life before. I have a good feeling about you._

 _My classes are over for today. I'm heading home._

 _Talk to you, in a bit._

 _Bella xxx_

Rosalie's class still has thirty more minutes to go and Jasper has a study group to attend so it means I'm all by myself. My sugar rush is slowly coming to an end and it makes me sleepy. Yawn after yawn, it feels like my jaw is about to dislocate. This will serve me as a lesson to eat crappy food. I know better.

As soon as I'm home, I throw the mail on my table, turn on my small TV and sit for a couple of minutes hoping to recuperate.

It feels like a short moment since I let my eyes close but when I see the time on my phone, I realize it has been three hours. It's dark outside, the stars are out. Oh my God! Edward! With my heart beating in a rush, I get my laptop. I might be too late for our daily talk. I really want to talk to him. I miss him.

The first thing I see when I open the chatroom are all the missed messages. Messages from Rosalie, Jasper, and Edward. I click on his name right away.

Edwardator: Hi cutie!

And the next one was sent five minutes later.

Edwardator: I miss you. I hope you're okay.

Bella_Snow: Edward! I'm here. I'm so sorry, I passed out on the couch. Are you still online?

I hope he is or this nap will ruin my day. I wait not so patiently. My fingers tapping on my lap. I wait some more already losing hope.

Edwardator: I'm here, cutie. I just finished dinner.

Bella_Snow: I wrote you a small letter today during my class. I will mail it tomorrow.

Edwardator: You should receive one soon. I sent you another one.

A letter? I had mail today, right? I had a couple of letters when I picked them up. I hurry to the table and I go through them. There are three of them along with some campus flyers. Not the first or the second, I send a quick prayer before looking at the third one, and I recognize his handwriting. My man! I go back to the computer firmly holding the letter.

Bella_Snow: I got it.

The paper of the envelope is ripping under my fingers, and soon I unfold the letter. There is more than a page. The first one is a letter; the second too but the third one is a drawing he did. He is so freaking adorable.

Edwardator: *blushing*

Bella_Snow: I'm reading. Hold on.

 _Hi cutie Bella,_

 _I have your pictures with me at all time and I look at them_ _whenever I_ _think about you. That means a lot. You are beautiful, I can't say it enough. Your smile and your eyes are mesmerizing._

 _I'm trying to make some plans to visit you after my semester, in the summer. Meeting you, holding you in my arms would be the best thing ever. I think about it a lot. I'm trying to find a_ _part-time_ _job. A customer service kind of job. It pays well and I really need the money._

 _Do you think you would like Colorado? Could you live here? I'm asking because I really love this place. I don't want to be_ _selfish,_ _but I would love for you to come here with me. I'm_ _sorry;_ _I don't want to force you or anything. I'm just asking because I'm constantly trying to find solutions for us to be together._

 _Can you believe we're only nineteen and already planning our lives? I think it's crazy but cool at the same time. I want to make you happy when we're together. I really want us to work out. I know we're young and this is only virtual_ _so far,_ _but I believe we have something._

 _Love,_

 _Edward xx_

My eyes are teary. I'm happy, but I find it so hard at the same time. I have to be with him. The sooner, the better. Yes, we're young but when you know, you know. He's the one, I'm sure he is.

Turning that letter down, I start reading the second one.

 _Cutie,_

 _I can't wait for the season to kick in. I want to ride my board so damn much. It's ready. All we need is a little more snow in the mountains. The top is already white but not entirely covered. It's coming but not fast enough. I've been thinking about trying to find a job_ _at a resort_ _if customer services doesn't work._

 _I had a dream last night. One where I was meeting your family and it kicked ass. They were all really nice and we had a good time. I think we were in_ _Vermont, but_ _I think you told me your parents had moved back to Canada last year, right? Your brother was rad and we got along great._

 _This dream was surreal and I really hope we can make it come true. I love family and I want a big one. Tons of kids running in the house. That would be the best thing in my life. I had that with my siblings and I loved it. I always had someone to play with and we took care of each other._

 _I started to look for a job. I applied at a couple of places yesterday and today. I'm hoping it leads me to something good. I'll be able to pay for my own stuff and hopefully be able to save up money to see you. I can't wait._

 _Did I ever tell you I used to be in a band? I think_ _I did, but_ _I'm not sure. Well, the guys want to start playing again so I might give it a try. It has been a while since we played all together. I'll try to find our sample and send it to_ _you if you_ _want._

 _I have to get some sleep now. Good night._

 _I'm watching the stars and wishing you a good night_

 _Love,_

 _Edward_

My heart is melting. He wants a big family. I'm in awe of him, but I'm also scared about the big family part. I've never given much thought about kids. In the future yes. A definite yes but I don't know when he's planning to expand his family.

Bella_Snow: You want kids, a lot of them?

Edwardator: Yes. A lot, well, three or four.

Bella_Snow: Geez, better start now.

I joke, but I'm not sure what his answer will be.

Edwardator: Few more years but not too many. Only if it's okay with you.

I don't know what to think. Yes, it's okay. I'm still a virgin but hey, it's okay to plan how many kids I'll have, right?

Bella_Snow: You'll be my first.

Edwardator: I was curious but never had the courage to ask. You'll be mine, too.

I blushed, I can feel the heat coming to my cheek. My heart is already beating fast for love. His love. This, us, is nerve-wracking. I'm afraid I might pass out.

I sit here and reread all of our conversations trying to convince myself that this is true, and actually happening. It's unreal but so powerful at the same time. I'm nineteen, in love, and planning my life with a perfect stranger. It can get more exciting than this, right?

Bella_Snow: I love you, Edward.

And he says it back.


	6. Chapter 6

THANK YOU FRAN! So much xoxoxox You make this story sparkles :)

Chapter Six

It's Christmas.

I'm freaking out. Not because it's Christmas but because we're going to talk on the phone. I've never felt like this, ever. Not even when I was six years old on Christmas day. I will hear his voice. I'll be able to hear him tell me he loves me. I hope he says it because I know I will. I will say it I will repeat it. I can't believe we're going to talk on the phone.

I don't have Rosalie to help or support me. I'm in Canada, my second home. I feel so alone with my emotions. Excited, scared, in love, nervous. I feel all of these emotions and I'm not sure how to deal with. I just want to chat with Rosalie or maybe even Edward. I need him.

Mom hasn't stopped asking me questions about Edward.

"How old is he?" She asks curiously.

"He's nineteen."

"When is he planning to visit you? Should I be worried?"

I sigh. "No Mom, you shouldn't be and I have no idea. Maybe this summer. We didn't set a date."

"It sounds like you're getting married."

"I'm not." I pause. "I don't think so." We only talked about briefly it for maybe thirty seconds. "I mean, I'm not getting married. He won't propose." I think. "Besides, I haven't met him for real yet. What if he doesn't like how I am?"

She remains quiet, but she keeps eyeing me in an odd way. "What if you don't like him and you're stuck with him here."

"I know that isn't going to happen, Mom." She crooks an eyebrow, silently asking if I'm serious. "I know deep down. I will like being with him."

The conversation is redundant. I don't know what else to say to convince her that we're serious.

Three days ago, I shipped him his Christmas present. I bought him a belt, wrote him more letters and I made him a necklace of wooden beads. I'm not sure he will like any of this, but I keep my fingers crossed. My goal was to send him a surprise Christmas box with things he might need. I got the belt at the coolest store in down. I really like it.

I finish eating my breakfast. My dad loves freshly baked croissant. They taste like heaven, so buttery; we have them every Christmas morning. After putting my plate in the sink, I look for the time on the microwave and automatically remove two hours. It's too early in Colorado. He's probably still sleeping. I try to imagine him in his boxer briefs sleeping on his bed, but I shake my thoughts away. This is going to make it harder on the phone if I imagine him that way. I'm so silly. Or maybe naughty, I'm not sure which. Maybe both.

A shower is next on my list. I have to get ready because the family is about to get here for our annual family party. Staying under the warm water, I try to inhale and exhale to calm my wits. Strangely, today, I want to be pretty. My clothes are boring, not exactly appealing but I want to feel good about myself because what's about to happen is major. It's our first step to a real us. The excitement is almost making me dizzy.

What if we don't have anything to say?

What if I'm too shy?

What if he doesn't like my voice or finds me boring?

All these doubts keep coming into my mind no matter how hard I try to push them away. Everything will be okay says the positive part of my brain. He loves me and I love him. I'll be fine.

We agreed I would call at night, around 7 pm my time, but I'm not sure I'll be able to wait that long. The family is starting to arrive and apparently they all know about Edward and they all keep asking me questions. To some of them, I don't even have the answer. There are so many things I have to learn about him. The time is dragging and making me miserable. I want to talk to him, hear him, now.

While nobody is giving me attention, I hide in my rooms with my laptop. He's online.

 **Bella_Snow: Heya**

 **Edwardator: Hey cutie. I was thinking about you.**

 **Bella_Snow: Really?**

 **Edwardator: Yes. I was trying to** **read, but** **I kept thinking about you. I'm nervous about the phone call.**

 **Bella_Snow: I am too. But we shouldn't. We've talked to other people on the phone, it shouldn't be any different.**

 **Edwardator: I know but it is and it's with you.**

I love that he is nervous too. Edward cares. He also wants it to be fun.

"Bella, come out here." Mom calls my name and I know I have to go.

 **Bella_Snow: I have to go** **now,** **but I'll catch you later. Hugs xoxo**

 **Edwardator: See you** **soon.** **Xx**

I take a look at myself in the mirror of my new room. I haven't spent a lot of time here in this house. Everything is clean and new. The mirror is bigger and larger than any I've had before. I can see myself from head to toe, but my eyes are what catch my attention. There is a spark in them and my cheeks are a light shade of pink. I sigh. I presume that my family will notice. They are never going to let it go, they love to torment me about my love life.

"Hey, Mom."

"Bella, your cousin is here. Are you okay?" I blush. "You look different."

"I'm okay, Mom. Just tired, I guess."

That is the worst lie ever, my eyes look wide-awake. I've never been so alive, the complete opposite of tired. I could go for days without feeling tired. Well, that is another lie but the point is, I'm full of energy and **she** noticed.

"So, I heard you have a boyfriend?" _Is that a question or a fact?_ I love talking about Edward to Rosalie because she gets me, she understand me fully, not like my family I feel like there is a bridge between us and I'm not super comfortable talking about my personal life. So, here I am, standing in front of my cousin and I don't know what to say. I have to think fast.

"Yes, I do." I say and don't add more details.

"Is he cute?" She asks biting her bottom lip.

"Very." I flush.

I don't share much with her. I kept my answers short and sweet. Enough to have her squeal with joy. Maybe she is reacting too strongly, I'm not sure since it's the first time I've ever have a boyfriend. Damn, I hate this word, because to me, he is much more than that.

The day has been endless, but the time has finally come. It's 6:50 pm and I'm logging into IRC to see if it's always okay with him to call. I hope it is. A message awaits.

 **Edwardator: It's almost time, Bella.**

 **Bella_Snow: Are you ready?**

 **Edwardator: Yes. I'm in the basement, alone. Call me now.**

I already have his number; I dial it and take a deep breath while it rings.

"Bella." He answered and I can hear his smile **seeping** into his voice. He has me speechless.

"Edward," I say his name the same way he said mine. I'm quiet afterward.

"It's good to finally hear your voice."

"It's excellent. You have a beautiful voice." I say with tears invading my eyes.

"I received your present yesterday, but I opened it this morning. I was waiting for the call to tell you. Thank you. I love it." I can hear the excitement **in his** voice while a tear of joy dances down my cheek.

"You do? You really like it?"

"I do. It's perfect." He says and a small silence sets in.

I feared this would happen. I force myself to speak. "I love you." I say and the emotions of the spoken words melt into my voice.

"I love you too, Bella."

"Do you think we'll be able to figure it out? The distance and traveling." I want him to say yes, it's all I hope for.

He chuckles shyly. "Yes, I really want to make it work."

He has no idea the effect his words have on me. I've never been this happy in my entire life. He completes me. We want the same thing. I just want to be with him, here or over there. It doesn't have to be complicated; I don't want it to be. We talk some more and my heart hasn't slowed down. It's beating fast, so fast and my fingers can't stop shaking.

"I think I better let you go now. You have a family party after all."

"I know, but I don't want to hang up." I chuckle.

"We'll talk again, cutie. Now that we've talked once, I want to do it again and again.

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

And the line is dead.

He is gone and I'm still holding the phone not wanting to let go. I'm ridiculous, I laugh at myself for a few seconds, feeling the anxiety leaving my body. Never in my life have I been so nervous to talk on the phone. But it went well. I was shy, but it went well. He makes me happy. I keep hearing his voice telling me he loves me. This is one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard. How will it be when we are finally together? I'll beg him to tell me every two minutes or better, he will kiss me and hold me in his arms. Yes, this is exactly how it's going to be. We're meant to be together and only we can understand the pull between us.

After sitting for so long, tingles spread in my legs. This phone call ends up being a full body experience. I feel tired I could use a nap. The aftereffect of the adrenaline, I'm guessing.

There is a small knock on my door and I suspect that it is my mother.

"Come in."

She beams at me, her smile wide. "How was it?"

"It was…good…perfect. He's really nice and his voice is like the melody of my favorite song, when it gets stuck in my mind. I don't want it to get away."

"Then, don't let it. Keep it in your heart."

I have never had a talk like this with Mom; it feels weird to open up. This is all new to me. I'll never forget this Christmas.

"I think it's time you get back to the party. We're about to have dinner." She continues to smile at me **as if** I'm some kind of treasure.

"Okay, just give me a minute."

She nods and leaves me alone, closing the door behind her.

I opened my laptop and hurry to IRC. I want to talk to him if he's there. Just for a minute of two.

 **Bella_Snow: I loved it. It was great. Let's do it again.**

 **Edwardator: Next time, I'll get a phone card to call you.**

 **Bella_Snow: Soon, I hope.**

 **Edwardator: I thought you were going to go back to the party.**

 **Bella_Snow: I am, I just wanted to talk to you first. I already miss you.**

 **Edwardator: I miss you too. I'll be here later. Go have some fun.**

 **Bella_Snow: Luv you xxx**

I shut down my computer against my will.

I will never get enough. Never.

The window is right next to my bed. Tossing the curtain to the side, I peek outside and stare up at the sky. Wherever I am, it looks the same. So many beautiful stars staring down at me. With any luck, Edward can see the same ones. Not that it would change anything, but I think I'm just getting over-the-top crazy about sharing bits of my life with him in the hope of connecting.

I sigh and wipe away the small tears on my cheeks. We have been waiting for this moment for weeks, talking with him brought so many good things to me but now, I feel alone, more than usual. A long distance relationship represents a real struggle. Bits of happiness longing, and hoping but I'm not going to stop, I want him.

The holidays were great. I must have gained five pounds but who cares, right? I'm back in Vermont, and I'm leaving tomorrow for the weekend in the mountains since we got a lot of snow and there is no way I'm not taking advantage of it.

I just got off the phone with Edward. It wasn't a planned phone call, but I missed his voice and had to hear him. I love hearing him laugh. Now, if only I can get rid of my shyness that will help me a lot.

 _"_ _I love you so much, Edward." … "I love you too, cutie."_

I can't stop replaying our conversation over and over. Can being in love always stay like this? The feeling of ecstasy runs inside of me. Ignoring the loneliness that comes with being in love with someone who lives so far away isn't easy, and this part sucks. There are shitty days when breathing hurts and smiling is a chore. It doesn't make me unhappy, it just makes it hard. I want the good part of loving someone and being in love all the time. I want the butterflies in my stomach and the smile on my face mixed with the happy tears.

Yes, today is a hard time.

A shitty one.

Edward is going away for the week and me for the weekend. No internet, no way of reaching each other unless we buy an unlimited quantity of prepaid phone cards. I am living on loans and scholarship while Edward is trying to get a job and seems to be short on money too. I hate that we're going to be without communication for so long. What if it tears us apart? What if he gets used to his life without me? It has been over two months since we started talking. It feels like it has been much longer than that. While my mind is going hundreds of miles an hour, I try to calm down or I'm going to scare him off. He doesn't need to feel my anxiety or pressure.

 _Get your head in control, Bella._

I'm startled by my phone ringing. I look at the screen and see it's Jasper. He's probably calling regarding the cabin we're renting. We'll be staying in the same cabin and it makes me even more nervous. Things between us are okay but I know, on his side, there is some kind of desire. I told Edward because I think honesty is the key. He didn't seem to like it, but I know there is no danger, absolutely none. I don't care about Jasper that way; we're friends. End of.

"Hey Jasper, what's up?"

"Hey, Bella. It's booked, the cabin is ours. I took the one located right on the slopes like last year."

"Oh great! This is going to be fun. Is your friend still coming?"

"I'm not sure yet but the worst case scenario, he'll crash on the couch." Everything was so simple with guys. I love that about them.

"Right. I'll get boxes of mac & cheese, your beer, and the waffles for breakfast." I laugh at our weekend in the cabin menu. We have been doing this for two years and we always eat the same stuff. We're not too fancy.

"You got it right, girl. It's all we need, plus our boards."

"It's going to be great. I really need this." _But I'm going to miss Edward so much… Anyway, even if I stayed here, he wouldn't be online. He's gone too._ "When will you pick me up?"

"Humm… Early in the morning, maybe around 8 am at the latest." He pauses; I hear the hesitation in his voice. "Is everything okay? I mean, with your guy?"

"Oh yes, we're good."

"Ok…Ok…Well, I'll pick you up tomorrow.

"Thanks."

Maybe if I hadn't met Edward, this weekend would have turned into something romantic because I wanted to give Jasper a **chance** before Edward. Jasper would always do his best to make me happy, I knew that, but it wasn't enough to make me forget Edward.

 _His voice._

I can't start thinking about this now or the weekend will be unmanageable.

The clocks say it's 2 am. I'm still talking with Edward on IRC. I'm dead tired, my eyes are about to close without a warning.

E **dwardator: You should get some sleep. I still have to get my board ready for my trip. You know wax and everything and** **it's** **already midnight here, cutie. We'll talk soon. I love you.**

 **Bella_Snow: I'll miss you because I already do. I love you. Be** **carefu** **l in the Rockies and watch the stars at night. xox**

 **Edwardator: I will. xx**

I hate saying goodbye for a whole week. The weekend will be fine because I'll keep myself busy, but for the rest of the week, I'll probably just mope around and think about Edward. Oh right, I have my tattoo session scheduled and that put a smile on my face.

I'll have my stars on me within the week. Something that has always been meaningful to me but it recently started to represent us, my love for him. I watch the stars at night wondering if he sees them too. It probably means a whole lot more to me and I'm cool with that.

Edward is my star, the light of my life.

Now, what do you think?


	7. Chapter 7

**THANK YOU FRAN! YOU ARE AMAZING! xoxoxox**

Chapter 7

I tossed and turned all night and when I was finally asleep, Jasper woke me up by knocking on my door. The result of my terrible night of sleep is that I'm grumpy and in need of something to wake me up.

"Can we stop somewhere for a coffee?"

"How can I refuse something that is so nicely asked?" He says with sarcasm.

"Please," I add keeping that same tone.

It will not make a difference to our schedule, not a two minutes stop. After five minutes, he finally pulls in and I get out of the car before he is done parking.

"Bella, what the hell?" He shouts at me. "Damn woman," He says not as loud as I slammed the car door.

I'm angry because I didn't sleep well, because I already miss Edward and because Jasper knows and he is making fun of me.

I'm waiting at the counter for the lady to take my order. "I'll have two regular coffees, two sugars, and two creams and two maple muffins."

I hear him coming before I see him. I know he is standing right behind me. Jasper isn't the type of guy who likes to piss off people. He is the good person here and I'm the mean one. The lady gives me the muffins in a paper bag and the coffees after I paid. Turning around I know I'll face him. A smile would maybe make him forgive me for my bitchiness. It's worth a try. I look at him with a small smile and he looks at me with his head crooked.

I hand him a coffee. "Here, for you."

"Are you trying to bribe me? You are not yourself this morning."

I know I'm not. If only I could control myself. "I'm sorry. This is going to help, I promise." I take a gulp of my hot coffee almost burning my tongue.

"Thanks…what's in the bag? I'm hungry." He asks, curious.

"Muffins."

"Maple?" As if he could read my mind.

"Of course." They're mouth-watering.

That's what works with him. Food is a war stopper and when it contains maple, it's even better. We get back into the car and we're ready and set for the two hours of driving before we get to the cabin. Hopefully, I'll be able to catch up on my sleep. Two hours will surely help my mood, and Jasper will most likely appreciate it.

I drink the last drop of my coffee two miles later and I pass out before the caffeine kicks in. The warmth of the hot drink makes me cozy and my eyes can no longer fight the exhaustion. Music is playing in the background but only very subtly. It helps with the ambiance and I'm gone deep into dreamland.

I keep hearing my name, but I'm so far away and feeling so good that I'm ignoring the voice. But it gets louder and finally, someone touches me and I startle.

"What?"

Laughter echoes through the car. "Jesus Christ, Bella, have you slept at all last night? I've been trying to wake you up for five minutes."

My face flushes. "I'm exhausted, Jasper."

"Get inside, take a nap. We'll go ride later."

"No, no, we came here to ride."

"Take a nap or you're going to hurt or kill yourself and I'm not really in the mood for funerals." He motions me to get out of the car and I know better than trying to do otherwise. I go inside the cabin and crash in the first bedroom I find. I'm back in dreamland, and god, it feels so damn good. It's warm here, so damn warm and cozy. I could spend my day inside sleeping.

The speed I reach is far faster than Jasper's. I'm going down the mountain or should I say I'm flying down the mountain. I get such a high from riding fast. The board cutting deep into the snow, carving into each curve. I feel free and I keep Edward out of my mind as much as I can. Of course, I can think of how much I want him here but it will only bring me down. I'm having fun now. The snow is perfect, just like I love it and the weather is cold but not too cold that we have to warm up too often. It has been three hours since we got on the slopes and I'm not even tired. Hungry yes but not tired at all.

"Hey, crazy girl. Don't you want to slow down a bit? Unless you want to end up at the hospital."

"Hey, old man. I love it, don't stop me now."

"Do you want to go in the snow park?" He asks to drag me out of my crazy speed-involving mood.

Already? I am not ready yet. I need more speed, more adrenaline. "Go, I'll meet you there in fifteen minutes."

"Are you sure?" he asks, uncertain.

"Absolutely. I'll have another round of crazy girl and then, I'll meet you at the snow park."

He nods and goes his separate way. I sigh and go back to the chairlift. Sitting alone, I look at the free seat next to me and I wonder if Edward will ever fill it. Will we really be together? I cross my fingers inside my gloves. I want to, so badly.

I reach the peak, where it's windy and colder. I fix my gear and put on my goggles. I'm ready and alone, nothing can stop me. I start with the hardest slope. The one requiring the most technique but I'm not about the technique now, I'm about speed.

The winds are pushing my winter coat against my body, my pants are molding to my legs. I'm going fast, way too fast at this point, but I get such a thrill from it. It's fun and liberating. My favorite snowboarder once said in an interview, _when you think you are going too fast, go faster,_ and it became my mantra. While I'm riding, speeding, my mind is blank; I'm only guiding my board with my toes or heels. My heart is pounding. God, I want to stay here all week and do just that. I'm suddenly startled by an elk coming out of the woods, and running through the slope. I try to stop, but my board loses its grip sliding on a patch of ice. I know what's coming, I lose sight of the elk and I start flying up in the air. I hear someone screaming. No, I don't hear anyone; the voice I hear is mine. I'm screaming, anticipating the hit of my body falling on the ground. I'm holding my breath now, keeping my mouth shut. My shoulder hits the ground first and my feet, still attached to the board, are still flying, pushing my legs over my head. There's no pain, yet, my body hits the hard snow a second time taking all the air out of my lungs. I'm coughing, gasping for air while my vision is blurry. Closing my eyes, I try to catch up on my breathing. Pain in my chest area emanates throughout my whole body.

I need a minute.

With my body returning to reality, I first start moving my feet and legs to be sure nothing is broken. I proceed with my arms, neck and then, I try to sit. One of my shoulders hurt, but my head hurts more. Somewhere in that fall, I have hit my head and now it throbs. I'm crying and laughing at the same time. I want someone to help me up, but I'm pretty much on my own. It should serve me as a lesson not to push it too far.

I'm an idiot.

That's the thing about snowboarding that I love so much. No matter how good or how bad your week was, on the mountain, you free your mind. It's only you and the mountain. Speed is one of my things but I also love jumping and the half pipe. Both are entirely different. One is freedom and the other one is technique.

My legs are fine, my arms too. I'm left with a headache and a stiff shoulder. I slowly make my way to the snow park. The sun is slowly setting behind the mountains. Soon enough, it will be dark and I like riding at night the best. It's a whole other feeling. Something the darkness awakes my willingness to be a little bit more of a daredevil. I'm always more challenged at night than in the daytime, I wish I knew why. Maybe it's simply because I'm a night owl.

"Bella, I'm up here. Bella!" Jasper's voice surprises me, he's following me to the snow park and I thought he was there already.

Once we are at the top of the park, I stop and sit on the snow. "What were you doing up there? I thought you were here."

"Yeah. I was, but I went looking for you."

 _I roll my eyes. Really? I said I was coming._ "How is it?" I nod in the half pipe direction.

"It's fine. There is some ice here and there, but it's okay."

"All right, I'll take a look." He offers me his hand to help me up and I take it. How he watches me or watches over me is different. I'm not sure how he _likes_ me; as friend or something more. Jasper should only see me as his friend while I'm with Edward. If Edward were here, Jasper wouldn't be that way. But because he's not here, he acts as if he can take advantage of it. This can't be happening. I bypass him and ride my board to the half-pipe. I get some speed in the hope of getting some height, and I feel my board carve into the snow as I push it down with my toes. I take a position to jump up in the air and as I'm about to start moving my body to do a 360 degree, I feel my muscles stiffen in my upper body and I know better than to push harder this time. I execute this trick with perfection but keep it simple for the rest of the pipe.

I should call it a night.

I'm waiting at the bottom to watch Jasper, and of course, he's a total show off and he nails every trick he decides to pull. I hate him, I think with a smile. Why is he so good?

"What are you doing?" He asks as soon as he reaches me. "Are you going for a second round?"

"I'm not sure. I'm…my shoulder's hurting. I'm taking it easy."

"Do you want to head back at the cabin?"

"I can watch you if you want to go again, but no need to be such a show-off." I joke.

"Are you sure?"

I nod. "Yeah." Of course. He's really good and entertaining to watch.

He shrugs and goes back up to the top of the half pipe. I watch him, but I imagine Edward. I want Jasper to be Edward. How bad does that make me? I'm a terribly selfish person. While Jasper's here with me one hundred percent, I'm not at all. I've been good at not thinking about Edward too much today, but snowboarding is our thing and I wish I could share that with him. Show him, watch him, and I can't. Jasper waves at me before he hits the pipe. I watch him and cheer for him as an automatism, but my mind is elsewhere.

So far from him.

Someone in Colorado.

I need some distance; I'm going crazy over Edward. My love or the feelings I have for him are taking over my brain. It's a heart and mind battle. Who is going to win? I have no freaking idea.

Jasper meets me at the bottom; he removes his feet from the fix and gives me a huge bear hug.

"Did you see my backside bull-riding? I nailed it."

"Yes, I did. You're the best." I tap his shoulder wishing I had actually seen it. The worst part is that I was looking at him but I wasn't _really_ looking.

"Are you coming up with me or are you staying here?"

"I'll just watch for now." I smile not wanting to explain the fall I had before.

Jasper goes back up and waves at me again before hitting the pipe. Damn, he's good. I'll give him the credit he deserves. He does a few tricks before he tries for the McTwist 540, and again, he does it with perfection. I cheer for him loudly. People around us might think I'm crazy. Maybe I am, just a little. We took our first snowboarding lesson together a couple of years ago and since that day, we've both been strongly addicted.

"Hey, wuss! I think I'm ready for some mac and cheese, are you?"

"Are you calling me a wuss?" He nods and chuckles. "You're a crybaby, a wimp."

"Hey, now young lady. I'm four months older, you owe me respect."

I laugh because he's an idiot and the more I laugh, the more it hurts my shoulder and head.

"Come on, I'm hungry and I can't deal with you anymore," I order. "And you're cooking."

Yeah, he's cooking because I need to chill out and some painkillers. Maybe a warm bath too. We race down the mountain, he is pushing me to go faster, but I'm holding back. I've paid the price once today, and it's enough. Jasper is probably letting me win because I'm leading the race and I'm not even trying.

I look at the sky as we reach the resort. The stars are shining bright and I sigh. _Try not to think about him too much. It pains you._

But I miss him.

"Come on, Bella. Just get in the car. I can tell you're thinking about him."

"So?"

"If you love him, why aren't you smiling?"

"Because I miss him Jasper, and we aren't going to talk until next week."

He sighs. "Long distance relationships are way too hard."

"I know, I know. Everybody keeps telling me." I growl.

Jasper doesn't talk to me until we get to the cabin. I'm not mad; I'm just tired of hearing the same thing over and over again.

"Bella, I'm sorry." I lift my hand to stop him from talking, but a sharp pain stop me halfway through the movement.

"Don't be," I say getting out of his car and walking quickly to the door.

Maybe my shoulder is broken or dislocated. Why does it keep hurting like this? Sure thing, it isn't getting better, it hurts more than it did earlier.

I remove my gear as soon as I'm inside and I turn up the heat. It's cold in here. Going to my room, I take off my hoodie and I look at myself in the mirror. _Jesus Christ_. My whole shoulder has turned blue and is round like a grapefruit. I turn around to try to look at the back of it. _Holy crap!_ Tears rush into my eyes and my arms and legs start shaking. "Jasper, come here." When he doesn't appear at my door within seconds I yell his name much louder.

"Bella, what the hell happened to you?"

"I fell," I say crying.

He rushes to the kitchen to get some ice and he wraps me up with a scarf to hold the ice against the shoulder area. "Don't move. I know it's cold but it's what you need now."

I sigh. I know my trip here has turned into a nightmare. I have the perfect mountains right behind the cabin, but I'm hurt.

I take painkillers every four hours and I try not to move. I catch up on my sleep and it feels great. While Jasper has plenty of fun, I'm left here thinking about Edward, writing him letters and sleeping. It sucks, but I know that if I fall again, it can turn into a disaster. Last night, Jasper wanted to take me home or to the hospital, but I refused. Yes, I am in pain but being here helps me. It feels like a small vacation away from everything that reminds me of Edward. I know for sure that if I were home, I would read his letters over and over again.

Just one week, I remind myself.

It can't be the end of the world, right?


	8. Chapter 8

THANK YOU Fran! Thank you for reading my chapters week after week. Much love to you all xox

Chapter 8

Who in the world would get a tattoo on a black and blue shoulder blade? Only me. Luckily, the spot where I want my tattoo is clear. The face of the tattoo artist when he saw my shoulder was priceless.

"Are you sure you want to do this? It has to hurt." He asks one last time.

"I'm sure. It does hurt, but I don't mind, I want this tattoo now."

While the tattoo artist set up all his equipment, I try to dry my sweaty palms. I can't believe it makes me that nervous to get some ink. Maybe thinking about the weekend would help. It didn't exactly turn out how we had intended, but sometimes life is impossible to plan. We had a blast even if I only rode my board the first day. The next morning when I awoke, I could no longer move my shoulder. Jasper brought me to the medical clinic at the ski resort and a doctor ran some tests. He couldn't confirm without an x-ray, but he was pretty sure I had dislocated my shoulder and could have damaged my muscles. He suggested I take some painkillers and rest for at least three weeks. I could almost say goodbye to my snowboarding season. The following day, I joined him at the snow park without my board but I made the best of it as I assisted him.

"Okay, I'm going to apply the stencil on your skin and this will be your last chance to stop me." He smiles.

I nod and try to keep on smiling. He's working on my back while Jasper and Rosalie are watching me from the waiting room. There is a glass wall separating us. Rosalie's smile is glued to me while Jasper's eyes are staring at me with another kind of meaning. I try to ignore him and enjoy my moment. This is the day I'm finally getting some ink.

"Stand up, Bella, take that mirror and we're going to see if this is where you want it."

I turn around when I reach the full-length mirror, and with the help of the smaller mirror, I looked at the stars on my shoulder blade.

"Yes, this is perfect." I choke out. "This is perfect, exactly what I want." I wish Edward could be here with me. He's the missing piece of this perfect day.

"All right, sit on the chair backward and rest your arms on it. Are you sure about the colors? We go with purple, dark blue and black?"

"Yes, that's it," I confirm.

When I feel his hands on the skin of my back, and I know this is it.

"Okay, so we're going to go with the outline first. Let me know if you need a break."

I nod and close my eyes. It won't hurt, I keep repeating.

The needle pierces my skin and all I can do is grin widely. I'm so thrilled. I can't wait to share this with Edward and tell him all about it. I hope he gets to have his tattoo as well. It doesn't hurt, it's more like a pinch kind of pain and it is starting to numb.

My mind is drifting between the needles marking my skin and the love of my life living way too far from me. All tattoos have a meaning, to me this one mean us. What I plan for us and what I desire for our future. I might be dumb or naïve, but I believe this is going to work. It has to. I can't go back to a life without him. I just can't. I want to meet him, I want to live this connection we share and feel it, feel him. Now, I can hear, read or see him but I can't touch him and it's killing me.

I know, I'm young, but I can't deny what's building for him inside of me. It's so strong and mixed with how much I miss him. It has been days since the last time we spoke and it's already killing me. If I could sleep through the rest of the days until his return, I would, but then, maybe I would miss out on something cool and I would regret it. So, I can only live through it and think about him non-stop if it is the only way to go.

Does he think about me? Now?

Does he feel as strong for me as I feel for him?

Can he really see us together in the future?

My worst nightmare would be him losing faith in us. To the point where it might even makes me a crazy person. There's a tightness in my chest every time I think about him. It puts my emotions all over the place because as much as I believe _in us_ , we are an uncertainty. There are way too many things in between us, thousands and thousands of people, cities, states, and a whole bunch of pretty girls. I'm not even pretty, so what if he meets someone. No, I don't even want to think about it. "I'm going to start with the colors, are you good to go or do you want to take a break?" He asks few inches away from my ear.

"I'm good to go. I can handle this. In fact, I'll probably come back soon."

"Tattoos are addictive, I should have warned you."

I chuckle. Right. I think I agree.

The needle feels different this time. It scratches my skin without mercy, but I take it, I want my freaking tattoo. I'm not going to start whining now. My back tenses before I feel pain from my bruised muscles on my upper back. I take a deep breath and it seems to help.

"Are you getting any piercing while you're here?" He asks trying to start a conversation.

"Humm … I hadn't really thought about it before. Maybe, but not today. Out of curiosity what would you suggest?"

He studies me for a short moment. "You can get your lobes stretched or get your labret pierced, I think it would look good on you."

"It never crossed my mind, I'll think about it."

He wipes my shoulder blade with some products and takes a look-back. "Do you want to see? I think it looks pretty neat, but my opinion might be biased."

He hands me the mirror a second time as I walk to the other one by the wall. I turn around and take a peek at my back with the help of the small mirror. I want to smile, cry, squeal, all of the above.

"This is real, right? It won't ever wash away."

He laughs. "Definitely not supposed to. Unless you scrub is with Javel water but even then, I don't think it would work."

My smile is so big, my cheeks are about to crack. "This is perfect, better than I imagine. So perfect."

"All right, kiddo." He motions me to come back to the chair. "We're going to wrap this up and you'll leave it there for twenty-four hours."

 _I won't be able to see it again for twenty-four hours?_

I nod, and he continues with the healing process of the tattoo. Listening and concentrating on what he's saying is hard. I'm over the moon with excitement. My heart's beating as fast as a horse after a race.

I walk out of the tattoo shop with the remaining adrenaline weakening my knees. I need to sit and eat, something I haven't done yet today.

"You look kind of pale, Bella," Jasper says holding on to my arm.

"Yes. I need Gatorade or food. I'm feeling a bit lightheaded."

"Seriously, Bella? You haven't eaten, right?" I shake my head no. "You have to eat now before you pass out." Rosalie sighs exasperated. "That girl, all she thinks about is Edward." Jasper coughs.

"I'm sorry." I mumble as we enter the closest restaurant few doors down the street. A pizzeria. Great, the smell is mouth-watering.

We walk to the small counter and order slices of pizza. I don't care about the topping; I just want a damn pizza in my mouth and down my belly with a diet coke.

"Get whatever you want for me, I'll just go sit, okay?" I ask, but I don't really wait for their answer. I slip five bucks in Rosalie's hand and make my way to the closest table. Can I feel more stupid than I do now? No. I'm the only person I have to watch over and I fail. I'll never be a good mother or wife; I'm too lost in my own survival. I place my head between my hands and wait for the food to come.

"Take that and your diet coke." Rosalie knows me well. Only she would get me the black olives and feta cheese pizza. My all-time favorite. Anything with olives is a winner. Without my brain registering what is happening, I take my first bite. By the size of the bite, it looks like an ogre passed by. My mouth is full and I'm savouring. I'm daydreaming; nothing in life can be better than this. By the end of the second slice, I'm feeling better and stronger.

"What are we doing now?" I ask before emptying my glass.

"I don't know. How are you feeling?" Jasper, the watcher, is always making sure I'm okay.

"I'm great. Much better now." Just tired, nothing I can't deal with.

"We could go to the movies or something," Rosalie suggests.

I nod. Yeah, sure. I don't see why not.

Days passed and the bruises have faded. I'm sitting at my computer waiting or hoping that Edward will log in tonight. It is supposed to be today that he returns, right?

 _Yes, Bella, it's today._

I wait.

Not patiently.

I chat with the different people in the group and I'm starting to friend some of them. They keep my head busy and by doing that, I'm not conscious of the time I spend here waiting.

 **Edwardator: Hey cutie!**

 **Bella_Snow: Heya… I'm so happy to see you here.**

 **Edwardator: It has been a long week, right?**

 **Bella_Snow: Impossibly long. So much happened.**

 **Edwardator: Tell me about it.**

 **Bella_Snow: I injured my shoulder last weekend while I was staying at the cabin. I didn't get to ride much. AND I FINALLY GOT MY TATTOO.**

 **Edwardator: Are you okay now? Oh, really? I can't wait to see it. I'm sure it looks** **great.**

 **Bella_Snow: I'm better now and yes, it looks great. I love it.**

 **Edwardator: I so want to get one now.**

As I read him, I can hear his voice in my mind and it's impossible not to smile. My heart is growing for him even if I know I should take it easy. I just can't.

 **Bella_Snow: I hope you get one soon. Xx**

 **Edwardator: I really missed you.**

 **Bella_Snow: I missed you too.**

I missed him like crazy during our week away from our computers. I had to control my emotions and I tried to calm down and take it easy with Edward. Ironically, I didn't think I would last very long. I feel like an alcoholic around him, I always want more. I'm an Edwardaholic. I laugh at myself.

 **Edwardator: I'm going to start a new job in a few days. I finally was able to find something.**

 **Bella_Snow: I knew you would. Congrats!**

We ended up spending hours talking. I enjoyed every second of it and I controlled my hunger to tell him how much I loved him every five seconds. After saying good night, I'm relaxing in my bed and I don't know what to think or where we're going. We're young, really young to settle into something so powerful, but I feel it. I feel him all over my body and into my core. Thinking that way scares me because I have no guaranty that I won't be hurt in the end. I hope it works out, but the sweet bubble in my head is starting to deflate.

Reality is real; fantasy is just a dream.

I have to fight to make my fantasy real.

Giving up is not an option.


	9. Chapter 9

Thank you to Fran and everyone reading and reviewing. Love xoxox

Chapter 9

I haven't talked to Edward in four, freaking long days. I've emailed him and sent him messages through our chat application. School and work are probably kicking him to the curb but damn, I miss him. The situation makes me struggle because I'm trying to balance what my heart and mind say. My heart says to love him with all that I have but my mind is sending me a big neon sign that maybe, just maybe, I should be careful. Not that there is something wrong with him because obviously, there isn't, but faith might not play in our favors.

I started spending more time alone, thinking and reading. It becomes harder and harder for me to leave the apartment because I am afraid of missing something if I do. What if he messages me when I'm gone or texts me? I can't bear thinking about it.

Rosalie pays me a visit and of course, she brings a movie with popcorn, M&Ms, and Orange Crush. She's a good friend and wants to have a good time and I'm all for it. As we watch the movie on my bed, I sit as close to the computer as I can in hopes of hearing the magical, awaiting ping. Yes, I've become that desperate and I'm not proud of myself. If he isn't online, it doesn't mean he isn't home.

"Maybe I should call him." I think out loud. Crap! I hope it wasn't too loud.

She looks at me, frowns. "Who? What? Jasper?"

I rub my hands over my face knowing she isn't going to let it go. "Not Jasper, I'm talking about Edward."

"Have you heard from him?"

I shake my head no. "We talked the other day and everything seemed okay. We stayed up most of the night. He hasn't replied to my messages in four days."

"Any reason for you to believe that there is something wrong?"

No, we're good. Right? "He must be busy with school and he got a new job."

"Stop worrying, then."

I groan. As if I can stop worrying. "This whole situation is giving me anxiety. I can't lose him, Rosalie. He's perfect for me."

She nods, but avoids looking at me. "But he is still a stranger, Bella. I'm not saying he's a forty years old creep, but I'm saying that you don't have anything physical with him. It's all words or few phone calls. As much as you think you know him, you won't know him in his entirety until you meet him in person. That will make such a big difference."

I want to cry, I feel the tears coming. "We have a connection. I feel like I've known him for years. We get along, we like the same things. If he could only answer my message."

"Are you mad?"

"I'm not. I'm desperate. I miss him. This story is getting complicated. I'll take whatever he can give me, but I want more, so much more. This virtual relationship needs to get real."

"You're in love, Bella. I don't know what else to say."

I shrug, but I don't deny. I know I'm in love and there is nothing I can do about it. "Should I call him? Now?"

"I can say yes or no but it won't be the right answer unless you decide. Listen to what your heart has to say."

Right! Because it's such an easy thing to do. I pick up my phone and think for a moment before dialling his number. My heart is beating fast, but I know I'm doing the right thing.

"Hello." A woman answers the phone, his mother I suspect.

"Hi, May I speak with Edward, please?" My fingers are crossed.

"Edward is not home. He's rehearsing with his band. Who's speaking?"

"I'm Bella." _Should I add something else to describe who I am?_

"Oh! Hi, Bella!"

"Hi." My heart pounds and I bet my face has turned deep tomato red.

"I'll let him know you called."

I sigh. "Thank you. Have a nice evening."

"You too, dear."

Rehearsing? A band? Edward mentioned it, once. "He isn't home."

"By the look on your face, I can tell. Don't be so disappointed. At least you know he's alive."

He's alive! Am I happy? Confused is more like it. "I'll be okay. He's doing something he enjoys, it should make me happy."

Rosalie presses play and the movie starts again. A romantic comedy that should help my mood. Sitting back on the bed, I grab the M&Ms and laugh at every funny moment in the movie almost forgetting how much I miss him. I feel better. Turning to Rosalie, I hug her and thank her for being my friend.

"Hey Bella, I'll always be there for you. You know that."

"I do. My life took a turn I never expected. Why didn't I fall for Jasper? It would be so simple."

She chuckles. "You and Jasper, you guys are like a grenade. One day, you two are going to explode and I don't mean a fight. It will be an explosion of kisses and make out. There's something between you."

What? Hum okay. I never really thought about it, but we do have a connection. I think it's more like a friendship type of things. "We're friends, Rosalie. We do have a connection but I don't think it means anything."

"That's because you're blind."

Maybe.

Choosing not to say anything back is the right thing to do. I don't want to get too involved in the subject. I like Jasper a lot, he's my good buddy, but I don't think I could want … more.

Exhausted, Rosalie has fallen asleep in my bed. Waking her up would be mean so I tuck her in and prepare for a night on the couch. Hopeful, I check my mailbox one last time before calling a night.

Nothing. Damn it.

Laying down on the couch, I try to see the stars before falling asleep. Too far, I only see a partial view of the dark sky. Wherever Edward is, I hope he still thinks of me.

 _He does._

Letting my mind drift, I fall asleep thinking about him. Imagining Edward playing guitar with a bunch of his friends, I'm hopeless. Only sweet dreams are rolling in my mind. Like a movie, a romantic comedy where I am with Edward … and Jasper.

"Bella, you go to your bed. I have to get back home." Waking up, I see Rosalie heading for the door.

"Call me later."

"I will." She closes the door quietly and I reach for my bed. Aww, so much better than the couch. I find my dream again. It's perfect.

 _Ping._

The sound wakes me up as if it was thunder. Wide awake, I start up my computer and get to my mailbox.

He emailed me.

 **Bella,**

 **Mom told me you called. I'm sorry I wasn't home and I'm sorry I haven't been online much. The new job is taking a lot of my time and so is school. I have a ton of homework and very little time for myself. Tonight was the** **exception,** **but I had a blast with my band. I wish you could have been there. I'm sure my friends would like you.**

 **It's late now and I have to head to bed.**

 **I miss you.**

 **Edward xx**

Can I feel happy and sad at the same time? Happy to have news and sad to read only a couple of lines. He misses me, what else do I want? And he wants me to meet his friends. It says a lot, right? I smile.

We're still good.

Nothing changed.

I go back to my bed. My night has been interrupted enough already. Although, I can be interrupted by Edward anytime he wants. I chuckle. Turning on my side, I enjoy the stars shining through the darkness until my eyes are too heavy.

And I drift back to sleep, happy.


	10. Chapter 10

Thank you Fran for everything you do. So precious xox

Chapter 10

Waking up, the stress I felt the previous day is gone. I have an email to reply to and today is a new day.

I get myself a tall glass of orange juice before sitting down to write Edward an email. Taking a sip, I think about what I'll write.

 ** _Good morning,_** **** ** _Edward_** _._

I delete that.

 ** _Morning, handsome,_**

 ** _I'm sorry I called you last night. Rosalie came to visit me and I couldn't get you out of my head. Calling you seemed to be the way to go. I spoke to your mom and she was really nice._**

 ** _How was the band reunion? Did you get to play a lot? I'm curious._**

 ** _I watched a movie with Rosalie and indulged in a bag of M &Ms. A quiet girl's night in, I guess I should call it. I passed out on the couch. Yeah, I know, pretty boring! _**

**_How's the new job? Do you like it?_**

 ** _Email me back._**

 ** _Kisses & hugs,_**

 ** _Bella xx_**

I press send. Yes, it's a short email. After my call last night, I don't want to suffocate him or make him feel like I'm overwhelming. I asked questions and kept it simple.

With the time difference, I know I can't expect an immediate response but at least my mind is clear and I go on with my day. After an overly emotional time yesterday, I'm good.

Really good.

A few things need to be done today, grocery shopping and laundry. Why doesn't it appeal to me? So boring. I want to ride my board, and enjoy winter to the fullest. Jumping in the shower, I relish the warm water and the scent of my shampoo. Simple things **in** life can make me happy, I'm not too difficult. A smile traces my lips. Edward is the reason of my good mood. What a simple email can do to the soul. I chuckle and get out of the shower.

Getting dressed, drying my hair, brushing my teeth, I'm all done and I feel confident.

Just when I'm leaving the apartment, my phone starts ringing.

Jasper.

"Hey, Jasper."

"Hey, Bella." I wait for something more, but he doesn't say anything.

"What's up?"

He chuckles. "I want to hang out. What are you doing?"

"I'm about to get some food. You?"

I open my door and he's standing right in front of me. Surprised, I yelp, and of course, he starts laughing. "I'm going with you."

"Seriously, Jasper. You scared me."

Pulling me into his arms, he hugs me and asks me to forgive him. He doesn't let me go and that brings me to think about what Rosalie said last night.

 _"_ _You and Jasper, you guys are like a grenade. One day,_ _ **you're**_ _going to explode and I do not mean a fight. It will be an explosion of kisses and make out. There's something between you."_

"Jasper, let go now," I say breathing his perfume one last time. It makes me… dizzy. Or maybe I should say it attracts me. He does smell good. Gosh, maybe Rosalie's right. No, no, no, I want Edward. My heart starts beating fast. Edward, always. I pull away, lock my door and head outside. By the sound of the floor cracking, I know he's following me. Hopefully, he doesn't notice me weirding out on him.

"Hey, slow down." Turning around, I watch him run after me.

"Sorry, it's kind of cold." Maybe, I should have let him drive.

"You know, I have my car. Come with me." He hooks his arm with mine as we turn around.

"Thanks."

"Are you okay? You seem distracted?"

Crap, he noticed. "Sorry. I'm good." Offering him a smile to try to convince him that I really am good. I have to think of something else, Rosalie played with my mind last night. We're friends and it's enough.

Once we reach the car, he opens the passenger door for me.

Who said chivalry is dead?

The heat is on, and it feels good against my cold cheeks. He drives us to the grocery store and he helps me pick up the things on my list. We laugh, we're noisy, but I'm having a good time so I don't care if we're too loud.

"Any other plans for today?"

"Laundry, and I'd rather do that alone." I laugh. "I don't want your hands in my dirty laundry."

"No, thanks. I was thinking about going riding, what do you say?"

I can almost hear my books calling my name from home. The teachers have been very generous with homework this week. So much temptation. There is no way I can say no to his offer, but I can't ride all night.

"Argh, Jasper, you're killing me. I want to go, but I have so many things to do for school. I want to go, but I can't stay all night."

Knowing Jasper, he won't mind. Riding is our life; we'll always take whatever we can get.

"We can hit the slopes for two hours. It's a nice day, it'll be fun."

Just like that, we have a deal.

Before leaving, I put the laundry in the dryer. Jasper's waiting in his car but I want to check my emails. Hurrying, I sign in and there is one.

I have to hurry.

 ** _Hey Cutie,_**

 ** _Don't be sorry for calling me. I'm the one sorry for missing your call. Meeting with the guys was great. I was rusty at first but I got the hang of things after the second piece._**

 ** _My mom was excited she had the opportunity to talk to you. She knows a lot about you. I'm surprised she hasn't asked you questions. Maybe, it's better this way._**

 ** _Work is all right. I'm on the phone all the time helping customers and answering their endless questions. To be honest, I don't think I'll be doing that all my life, but for now, I'm learning and making money. Like Mom says, I'm gaining experiences._**

 ** _Sorry,_** **** ** _I haven't been online often, or at all. When I get home from work, I do my homework and then, pass out. I've been going to bed at 1 am all week. Exhaustion to its fullest. I missed you. A lot._**

 ** _Next Saturday I'm going to a bull-riding contest outside of town. Just thought I should let you know. I probably won't be around a lot._**

 ** _I have to get to work now._**

 ** _I hope we can talk later. I can't stop thinking about meeting you. Soon, I hope._**

 ** _Love always,_**

 ** _Edward._**

He's at work; he doesn't have time to read my email. I guess it can wait. But God, I hate this. I want to write him now but Jasper is waiting and that would be really rude of me to make him wait.

Bull riding? Really? Okay. I don't understand bull riding. Apart from hurting yourself and risking your life, I don't see the motivation. Edward will probably tell me all about it.

My board in my hand, I finally met Jasper downstairs. We're ready to hit the slopes. We're dressed and ready to face the cold. The music inside his car is loud. It's like a ritual to him; it gets him into the fearless mood. Of course, it isn't Christina Aguilera, it's Incubus, Deftones and some unknown alternative bands. He sings to most of them and I listen.

The peak of the mountain is freezing cold. We attach our boards to our feet and don't hesitate a second longer before going down the mountain. Careful not to get hurt again, I don't take too many risks. I enjoy plain, old school snowboarding while Jasper is riding and jumping every chance he gets.

Less than ten minutes later, we are already at the base of the mountain by the resort. Taking a deep breath, I feel good. This is the life I love. Snowboarding and nature mixed with the cold fresh air.

"Another one?" Jasper suggests and yes, I'm so ready.

Reaching the chairlift, Edward haunts my mind again and I can't help myself but smile. God, I wish he could be here with me or I could be in Colorado with him. I have this scenario in my mind of the first time we'll meet. I'll kiss him before I speak to him. Wrapping my arms around him, maybe then, I'll say hi. Laughter escaped my mouth, this was crazy. He could charge me with assault.

"You care to share why you're laughing?"

Crap, what am I supposed to say? "Just thinking about something. Nothing important."

"Okay, girl, keep your secrets and I'll keep mine." He nudges me in the rib.

"Hey, stop now." I giggle. "I don't want to fall down and die." I joke.

"I'll never let you fall and die." The sound of his voice is serious, telling me this isn't a joke. I give him a shy smile because I have nothing to say to this.

Once we reach the top of the mountain again, we take a few minutes to enjoy the view. All I can think about is Colorado, how is it over there? My obsession is getting out of control. I can't help myself.

"Come on, girl, let's go."

And we keep going up and down the mountain until the sun starts to set.

"I have to head back home now if you don't mind. I have a load of homework to take care of." And an email to send.

"Sure, I was thinking about the same thing. We had a good time. I could have stayed here all night, though. . No ice, hard snow, just how I like it."

The music in the car is smooth. My eyes are heavy, and slowly, I dose off. The warmth coming from the heater feels like a sauna against my skin. I love it, I welcome the heat.

"Sleepyhead, you're home," Jasper whispers an inch away from my face.

"Gosh, sorry, Jasper, I suck big time." I stretch my legs and get out of his car. He hands me my board, we hug and I find my way to my apartment.

Inside, I place my board against the wall and undress until I'm only wearing my leggings and my long sleeve t-shirt.

Leaving a mess behind, I sit down and start up my laptop. Edward hasn't sent me another email, but he did send me a hug in the chat application. I smile and my heart blooms.

 ** _Edward,_**

 ** _I'm sorry I haven't replied before, I went snowboarding with my friend. The weather was great and so were the slopes. We had a good time. I remained careful because my shoulder is still not healed._**

 ** _How's work treating you? I hope it's a relaxing day._**

 ** _A pile of homework is waiting for me. I have no motivation, but I have to do this._**

 ** _I've been thinking about visiting you if you would like. I kept thinking about you while I rode my board. It's crazy how much I want to spend time with you._**

 ** _You mentioned going to a bull-riding event, tell me about it. I've never been to one. I'm not sure if I would like it. Isn't it a bit cruel? I don't have any plans for the coming week. School is on top of my list, homework is second and I'll probably hang out the rest of the time with Rosalie and Jasper._**

 ** _Send me a message online when you have time, I will probably be logged on all night._**

 ** _Missing you,_**

 ** _Bella xox_**

I press send and I suddenly feel like my email was boring or not pertinent enough. My life isn't always all about excitement. It's mostly quiet.

On the couch, I open my books and I start reading. Wuthering Heights, a classic that I've read numerous times. Edward and Jasper come to mind and so does Linton and Heathcliff. Am I in the middle of a love triangle? According to Rosalie, Jasper is head over heels in love with me and I believe Edward is too. Why me? I'm just a regular girl.

I can't base my life on a book, right?

Or Romeo and Juliet? No, none of us is going to die.

 _Cheer up Bella, you're acting ridiculous. Focus on the homework and not the boys loving you._

Never in my life have I been the attractive type. This is all new to me. Living my life a day at a time remains the only way I know. Edward is the one I want, but I have no idea what's going to happen. I can't read the future.

Over an hour later, I'm done analyzing this book.

A small ping escapes from the speaker of my laptop. My heart skips a beat.

Who is it?


	11. Chapter 11

THANK YOU FRAN! It's a pleasure to work with you on this story.

Chapter 11

Weekends are the best thing in the world. Sleeping in until eleven on a Saturday morning, I wake up refreshed and full of energy.

Edward is at the bull-riding, Rosalie is getting her hair done, Jasper is going riding with a friend and I'm alone. My plans are quite simple, I have none. Watching cartoons in my sweat pants and hoodie while eating a bowl of Fruit Loops, I can't ask for anything better. Later on, I turn on some music and I dance my life away. What's wrong with me? I'm not a dancer I normally hate it. I talked to Edward almost every day of the week and I even called him Wednesday at one in the morning. He said he loved me. It wasn't the first time, but I loved hearing it nonetheless. I said it back every single time and then some.

I have no more worries, we're rock solid. I believe it and I can finally breathe knowing I know where my life is going. Anywhere he is.

It's the middle of the afternoon, I'm still wearing my sweats pants and I have no intention of changing. that. The sun is shining, it's a beautiful day. Putting on my jacket, beanie and scarf, I'm ready for fresh air. It snowed in the morning, which means people are shoveling or removing snow from their cars. I don't know where I'm going, and it doesn't matter. Life is beautiful and I decide to enjoy every second of it. Walking, I have a vision of Edward and **me** walking around town, hand in hand or his arm around my waist. I know I'm being silly, but I can't stop myself.

For the first time in my life, I don't care if I'm not as pretty as Peyton Sawyer on One tree hill or Drew Barrymore. I'm me and it seems that I'm enough. My waist isn't tiny, my body isn't perfect, but I know it. Nobody's perfect, but we always end up meeting the person who is in our eyes. Edward is my perfect one, I can bet on it.

My life changed forever since I started talking to him. He brings out the best of me and sees me for who I am. I think about all of this while walking. A big bright smile is printed on my face and I don't care if I look like a fool. Happiness will do that to you. Love too.

I get myself a warm dinner from the deli not too far from home. I'm starving. Nothing's better than pasta with garlic bread. Good thing I'm not expecting any visitors because I could probably chase vampires.

When I'm finally back inside my apartment I set up my favorite movie and I sit on the floor before the small coffee table. The Crow will always be my favorite movie; I know every single word from beginning to end. Dinner is delicious but I'm full and there is more than half of it left.

Relaxing while watching the movie, I lay down on the couch and slowly, I dose off. My walk outside turned out to be exhausting. Every of my muscles has become heavy. This nap is much needed.

My thoughts are wild.

"I want us to be together," Edward said. "We'll be together soon." He wrote.

"You'll move here or I'll move in with you. We'll make this work." I promised.

"I want kids, a lot of them." Edward wants a big family. "We will," I confirmed.

"I want to run my hand through your hair." He admitted and made me blush.

A mix of all of our conversations appeared in my mind. I could hear his voice, the one I'm dying to hear.

In my dream, I'm smiling and surrounded by colors and his sweet face. It feels so real. I don't want to wake up, not yet. It's too good, so real.

 _Knock, knock, knock._

No, no, no, the images are leaving. I'm waking up and facing the darkness of my apartment.

 _Knock, knock, knock._

"Who is it?" I groan.

"Jasper."

I roll my eyes. Didn't he ever hear of a phone call before showing up?

"Come in. I don't think the door is locked."

He walks inside. "You should always lock your door, Bella." Pausing, he looks at me. "Were you sleeping?" I nod. "Sorry. Do you want me to go?"

"It's fine, I'm awake now." My voice sounds annoyed.

In his hands, I see a box of donuts. I can still feel the heaviness of the pasta in my stomach. No donut would enter my mouth anytime soon.

He sits next to my head and attempts to lift it so it rests on his lap. All I think about is how awkward it feels.

It's too intimate, right?

Waiting a few seconds to see if he will try something with me, my body is tense but he doesn't notice. He starts asking me questions about what I've done today. I go over everything and he starts playing in my hair.

It doesn't feel right.

"Jasper, wait. I think I'm going to sit." Blushing, I'm not sure about what I should say to him. "I'm not comfortable being like this."

He sighs. "It's me, Bella, what do you think I'm going to do to you?"

"You feel something for me, and I'm trying to see if I can have something serious with Edward. I can't do this." I didn't want to play games.

"He's so far away, I'm right here. My heart's beating for you."

Oh, Jesus Christ, what do I say now? I like him. I like Jasper a lot, but it's too much for now. I can't be in a love triangle where I want two persons. I'm not like that. "I'm sorry, Jasper, I can't be that girl for you right now."

"We're friends. It's all that matters." He elbows me in the ribs and starts laughing. I didn't know what to say or think. I hit him back and seconds later we're laughing and his love declaration is temporary forgotten.

Sunday… Monday… Tuesday…Wednesday.

I'm left without news from Edward. Maybe he got more hours at work, he said he wanted more money to save up for our trip. I can't understand what else can keep him away from me. Last week, we had the best week ever. We talked and made some plans.

Curious, I go into our snowboarding chatroom and see conversations left by his friends. His _real_ friends, the ones he hangs out with.

It seems the bull-riding ended up being the event of the year. I'm not convinced. Hesitating to press send, I want to ask them if they've seen Edward. Some of them know about me, I think. I don't want to look desperate, but I am. Being without news from him is making me worry.

Bella_Snow: Hey guys, Have you seen Edward lately?

They all chat together, but I don't see an answer to my question. I wait some more.

Felix_360: Bella, I haven't seen him since Sunday.

So that means, he must be busy at work and with school. Fine, I can deal with that.

SugarDaddy: I haven't seen him since he left with that girl. They were barely able to stay away from each other.

WHAT? I reread the same sentence at least four times. A girl? He met someone. My biggest fear.

Felix_360: Shut up, guys. It's none of our business.

Alec: Edward's got a girl! About time!

I can't breathe anymore. My heart is torn apart. All of my blood is drained from my face, my pulse resonates throughout my body. I try to type something, but I can't make up words. My fingers are shaking and my vision fuzzy.

I receive a private message from Felix_360. Should I look or not? It can't break me more than I am now, right?

Felix_360: Edward talked to me about you all the time. I'm sorry you had to learn about the girl that way. The others had no clue. I'm sorry, Bella.

Bella_Snow: Thank you. I'm sorry too.

It hurts and I can hold it in anymore. I cry like I have never cried before. Everything he said, I have to forget. Was he ever serious with me or was I a distraction? I really believed him. Missing him already, I open some of his emails and try to read them. He loved me but not enough. I love him so deep that I'll never be able to love again. Not that much.

Anger runs through me. I want to crash my laptop, destroy his letters because I'm so broken. A week ago, we were solid, full of promises and now we're a whole big nothing.

I hear noises coming from the hall and I know the knocking is coming. Recognizing Rosalie's laughter and Jasper's voice, I know they're coming here.

Here it comes. _Knock!_

"Let us in, Bella," Rosalie asks from the other side of the door when she realizes I'm not letting them in.

"Come on, girl." Jasper insists. "Let us in." He knocks again.

"Leave me alone," I order them to go. "I can be with anyone right now." I say trying my best to hide the sadness in my voice.

I hear nothing, it gives me hope that they'll go away without a fight. Someone tries to open the door, but it's locked.

"Just go, please." I sob.

More noise comes from the key lock of the door and it finally opens. Right, Rosalie has a key. Both of them are staring at me with big eyes and open mouths.

"What happened to you? You don't look well." They shouldn't be here. "Are you sick?" Both of them keep their distance. Their pity is not welcome. I don't want any of it.

"Go away, please," I beg them before curling up in a ball on my bed. "I don't want to talk about him… it." I sniffle. "Just, go."

"Did someone hurt you, Bella?" Jasper's voice is insistent. "Is it the guy from the internet?" Now, he sounds furious.

I nod, ignoring them, watching the stars in the sky from my window. I block out my friends. out. Now that they know, they can go. I won't tell them the details. I'm too ashamed of myself for believing in our long-distance love story.

I feel so small beneath the stars, so broken and alone.

Where is he now?

What is he doing?

I cry until darkness finds me.


	12. Chapter 12

Thank you Fran for helping me with this chapter. Thank you to all my readers :)

Chapter 12

I haven't showered in two days.

Missing my class without a care in the world, who am I? This is not me. Ignoring the incoming calls or emails from Rosalie? I haven't talked to anyone. Not even him. Jasper has been a permanent fixture on my couch, but I haven't talked to him either.

Lying in my bed, I try to push myself up, but my body is weak. I haven't eaten much because as soon as I do, I feel sick. My laptop has been pushed away for two days, too. I didn't contact him to garner more details about his new girl. Do I really want to know?

As I'm getting out of my bed, I take a look at my computer. I hesitate because I'm almost certain Edward must have emailed me. Mentally, I'm not ready to face it. A shower is needed first. I don't know how long I've been under the water, but it feels good. It sets my mind straight. I think now I'll be better. Well, I have to.

After drying my hair and putting on my underwear and a tank top, I head to my small kitchen in hope of finding something to eat.

"Bella!"

I jump in surprise, not expecting anyone else in the apartment.

My heart is pounding.

"Jasper, what are you still doing?"

"Brought you breakfast. And you're lucky because I was about to throw you in an ice-cold bath. It's time to get on with your life." He sounds furious, but his eyes are travelling up and down my body. By the time he reaches my eyes again, his facial expression smoothens.

Jasper came to visit me every day since I found out about Edward. I wasn't much of an entertainer, but he stayed with me and took good care of me.

"Thank you." Blushing because I feel too self-conscious, I decide that maybe I should put on more clothes.

Pulling on my jeans they are loose at the waist. Probably because of my poor eating habits.

"Come here," He demands. As soon as I reach him, his arms are wrapped around me. "It's good to see you more alive."

"Thanks, Jasper. I feel better."

"Any news?" He asks releasing me. It marks the first time he ever refers to _him_. I bet he was curious.

"I haven't checked yet. Avoiding is my new resolution." I rub my face with my hand. "But I think I should check today anyway."

"It might help you cope. You don't have a clean break now. I don't have the details but from what I know, you need an explanation coming from him." It makes sense. I have waited long enough.

"Okay. You can watch TV, I'll get on my computer." I had to do this alone.

Just the thought of Edward makes me sad. I want to cry my life away, I'm heartbroken. Time will help, but I'll never forget.

I open my mailbox and I have an email waiting for me. Of course, it's from Edward. I double click on it, take a deep breath and start reading.

Bella,

 _Sorry won't cover how I feel about what I did to you. You are an amazing person and you mean a lot to_ _me_ _ **,**_ _but the long distance relationship is what scares me the most._

 _There is nothing I can say that will make it better. I know you found out about her and I'm truly sorry. They didn't know about us, only some of them knew. You have all the reasons not to talk to me_ _again_ _,_ _but I hope with time you will._

 _Email me, please._

 _Edward._

Sad and dumbfound, I don't know what to say or think. I don't feel like emailing him. To say what? I can't fight when he already made the decision.

"He ended it." Jasper watches me carefully. "Long distance relationship are hard."

"How do you feel? What else did he say?"

I shrug. "Nothing I didn't already know. He met someone. End of." He sets me free, but I still want him.

I want to scream or cry, but I'm trying hard not to. Why? Because I've done it enough. I cried more in two days that I have in my whole life. He moved on, I probably could too. No, who am I kidding? I'll never be able to put him aside and not think about him every chance I get. I thought we were for real. For real. It breaks my heart; I'm nowhere near okay with this.

"I need a beer or some vodka. Something strong."

"Now?" His laughter echoed in the room. "You never drink."

Oh, I know that, but now, I really want to numb my heart and mind and this will do, unless he wants me to start drugs. It's up to him.

"I know, but I have good reasons to start now."

Looking around, he scratches his scalp. "You don't have any, right?"

I nod. "Nope."

Watching me, I can see the questions in his eyes. He has a big neon sign over his forehead with a question mark. "I don't recognize you, Bella."

"For months, I thought I had something real in my hand. Someone kind and loving. And now, it's gone and I have a lot of anger rushing through my veins. I need to cool down, make it go away."

What's so hard to understand? Do I really need a reason to drink? No, I don't think so.

"Okay, I'm not here to be a therapist. You want alcohol, I'll get it. Stay here." That easily, he agrees and goes after the one thing I want. It isn't me, but at the moment, I don't care. The words coming from Edward's email are haunting me. He left me for her. My lips quivered.

"Stop, Bella, just stop already." I yelled and punched the couch with all my strength. Once, twice… and I yelled again. "Why?" When I think I have this under control, I dive back into a frustrated state of mind. "Ugh!" Something's wrong with me and I know what it is.

My heart.

It refuses to let go a perfect stranger.

A beautiful stranger.

Toned, my pulse is back to normal. I'm calmer, still frustrated but okay. Now, where's Jasper?

Minutes later, Jasper returns with his hands full. "I got what you wanted." He sighs.

I take a beer out of the carton and open it. "Thank you." Draining half of the bottle in one shot, I am reminded that I'm not a fan of beer.

"Bella, stop that. I don't want you drunk within twenty minutes, okay? Don't be ridiculous." He got me the beers, what does he expect ?

"I'm drinking until I no longer feel. Deal with it, Jasper."

We don't like to fight and I don't want it to get to this, but I'm tired of feeling, hurting, and crying. "Look, I can't ask you to understand what I feel but I fell in love with him. You've never loved someone like I loved him." My words were harsh, I know that, but I have never seen him with a girl or heard him talk about someone he loved on the same level of Edward and me.

"You're wrong. I have and still do. You're just…" He runs his fingers through his almost black hair. "Drink, go ahead. Enjoy the beers, I'm not sure I want to sit back and watch you. This is not the Bella I know."

My first beer now empty, I feel the effect already. Heaviness in my arms and legs. I need more. "Go. Leave. I'm a big girl."

"You've done it, Bella, you say things without thinking. I don't need to hear your crap. When you're too drunk to walk, call me." Our eyes lock, I can see the frustration behind his while I let nothing show. I'm not trying to play games, but I don't want to feel like he's trying to be my dad either.

Watching him leaving my apartment, I don't say anything. Maybe I should have stopped him but I don't. I grabbed another beer, not slowing down as I chug it until my need for air overtakes me. A laugh comes out of my mouth. "I still feel. I still feel." I hate the feeling. I drink again.

My body's hot, my brain is barely able to think. There are seven empty bottles of beers on the table. I count them twice to make sure. By the time I count to seven again, my lips are trembling and my vision blurry. "Why? Why do I still remember him when all I want is to forget?"

Too weak, I crumble to the floor with a bottle in my hand. I curl into a ball, my top is dripping wet with cold beer and I cry. All I do these days is cry and it doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel desperate. There's nothing I can do to win him over. Nothing. It's a lost cause.

I lost him.

Goodbye, Edward. "I wish you the best." I mean it.

I don't hate him. The situation sucks but not him. He told me the truth. Honesty is the key.

Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world.


	13. Chapter 13

I'm sorry if I took a few days off. I didn't know how the readers were going to react to the last chapter and I received quite a few reviews. Most of them unhappy but all respectful. I took some times to figure if I was keeping the story as I had written it or not. The story is based on a true story. Only 15% is fictif. So I decided to continue with what I had... I hope you don't hate me too much... That's if I still have any readers lol

Thank you Fran for the support and help xxx

Chapter 13

Two months later…

Sixty-two days since I received his last email and it is now possible to think about him without crying. Missing him and wishing things were different are part of my daily life but it's getting less and less concerning.

Every time I cross a guy with long hair, I'm hoping it's him, but I know it's not going to happen. I wonder what he's doing or going through and whether or not he has already forgotten me. I hope not. Part of me thinks it's not possible to forget what we had. At least, I can hold on to that, though. I'll never forget him.

Rosalie and Jasper keep me busy and I feel like I'm enjoying life again. We had a couple of bowling and movie nights. I forced Jasper to have a few nights with his friends because I felt like he was letting them down by being with me all the time. Selfishness has its limits after all.

The weather's great and spring is slowly making its way. Sitting outside of the University, I'm studying for my afternoon class. Jasper left me a couple of minutes ago and Rosalie will be coming home after my class. We plan to have a girl's night; nail polish and all that.

I adopted this place in the park when I first started university. It's under a tree with a beautiful view of the main building. It's quiet, and apart from where everybody hangs out. It's safe and far enough from the guys throwing balls so I don't get hit.

Reading my book, I'm concentrating and taking some notes every few minutes. Before I know what's happening, I'm pushed to the ground, and my lips are in-between someone's teeth holding them tight. I want to scream, but I can't. Who is it? It's not Jasper. Jasper smells good. This person smells like cigarettes and cheap wine and his glasses are touching my skin. With my hands, I try pushing him away but he's biting harder and it hurts. I can taste the blood in my mouth. Within seconds, his hand is down my pants, under my underwear and he's touching me. My first reflex is to hold my legs together refusing him access, but I want to fight him off. OKAY, this is an attack on her. It has to be stronger than how you wrote it. He violated her sexually. I am making it stronger. He could have raped her

"You're a virgin?" He asked removing my lips from his mouth.

 _What? No, no, no, you're not taking that from me_.

I couldn't let this happen. Not now, not ever. My virginity isn't meant for him. An image of Edward appeared in my mind and it gave me strength. I have to fight, so I somehow find the resources to push him away with all the power within me. He falls on his back. Because I'm an idiot, I take the time to grab my books before leaving. I then run as fast as I can hoping he's not going to retaliate. I hear him following me. What the hell?

I'm petrified of this person now, but he stops and asks my name as I keep moving away from hm. . As if, I would give him any information.

"Go to hell." I turn around quickly and realize I'm at the entrance to my building, I look again and he's gone. Adrenaline is running wild into my body. Every part of me is shaking. What was that? Oh my god, what happened?

I have no idea.

I don't understand.

 _Are you a virgin?_

Why does everyone want to know that? It doesn't mean anything to me anymore. The only person I wanted to share it with pushed me away, and then some stranger tried to steal it from me. Why? I don't understand.

Without realizing, I walk into my class and sit down. Still shaking, my eyes start to blur and I ask myself what am I doing here? I don't know, but I can still smell him. Cigarette smoke and the feel of his skin on mine, or his fingers inside me. Staying through my whole class, I don't listen to a single word the teacher is saying. I'm lost and keep asking myself what happened? Who was he? I have no idea. Absolutely none.

Arriving home, I break down as soon as I see Rosalie waiting for me by the door. Words are failing me, lost in a mess of tears and sobs. Explaining what happened, I can't catch my breath.

"What's wrong with me? Edward loves and wants me one day but not the other, Jasper clearly wants more than friendship and that stranger tries to rape me. Do they all want to take away my virginity? Is that what they are all after?" I have never attracted guys in my life. Why now are they all after me? I'm not even pretty.

"Bella, you're not making sense. Calm down. That spot you like to sit in is private and you became the target. You should file a report."

I refused. "I can't. I don't remember what he looked like. He had glasses on, a leather jacket and his breath smelled of cigarettes. It's all I have."

Someone is at the door, I suspect it's Jasper.

"Come in," Rosalie said out loud.

"Hey, girls." His voice is loud and cheerful. "Wow, what the fuck happened?"

I can't and don't want to explain everything again.

"Someone tried to attack her. She was able to get away, thank God." She said, hugging me. "Are you okay? Do you want to shower?"

I nod. "I'll do that. I can still smell him."

"Girl, come here." Jasper pulls me into his arms and kisses my hair. "Who was it? Have you seen him around here before?" Acting all protective and dangerous, I don't recognize him.

I scream inside my head _No. No. No._ "No, Jasper. Let it go." I push away from him, but he's holding me, not letting me go.

"Bella, stop. You and I both know that I care about you … very much." He tries to pull me back to where I was, but I resist. "I'm not and I won't accept that some prick abused you, do you hear me? This is not okay."

My eyes are fixed on him, my breathing unstable. "Jasper, is that some kind of love declaration? If so, it is really bad timing."

"No, Bella. I watched you fall in love with Edward. I have to admit that I believed it could work for maybe thirty seconds, but then he changed his mind and you were broken. I hated every damn second of it. Now, a stranger wants to take you without your consent. I'm not letting people hurt you, Bella. If you would let me take care of you, you wouldn't have to worry about anything. Please, give me a chance to show you how good we could be."

Rosalie reached for Jasper's shoulder. "Jasper, maybe today is not the good day for this. Why don't you wait few days?"

Now would be a good time to say something but I can't think. He loves me, he really loves me and I'm so confused. He kisses my cheek and leaves the apartment. I'm left speechless. What should I do now? Tingles on my check from his kiss made me realize that maybe he has a point. It has me confused and I can't deal with any more confusion. Don't I have enough already?

But… Jasper loves me.

Do I love him?

My heart is too numb to know. Time will tell. I always had a good time with him. Everything comes naturally when I'm with him.

I'm so confused. Why did he have to tell me tonight?

"What are you thinking about now?" Always so perceptive, Rosalie asks me.

"Jasper." Breathing deeply, I smelled the stranger and I started heaving. I run to the bathroom. Rosalie follows me and helps me as I vomit until nothing else is left inside of me. "I need to wash away the memories, Rosalie. Standing up, I feel feeble.

"I'll stay here; I'll be on the couch."

That smell will forever haunt me.

Exhausted, I went to bed a little after midnight. The sky covered by clouds, I can't see the stars and it infuriates me. I love watching them until passing out.

Rosalie left the apartment after hours of talking. Her advice is helping me having a clearer vision. I can only consider myself lucky that things didn't turn out too disastrous this afternoon. Some man attacked me, did things to me I didn't want, but it could have been a lot worst. I'm not saying it's okay because I'm having a hard time accepting it, but I consider myself lucky that if didn't go farther.

Rosalie believed in Edward and the possible love story between us, but she now thinks it's time I moved on. Time to start another chapter in my life. Can I do that? Am I ready? He won't be coming back. I have to let go of my dream of being with him. The thought of letting go entirely is impossible because no matter what I'll always love him. Call me stupid but I think he is my soul mate or very close to that. I'll never meet someone else like that in my life. Even if we've never met, he knows a way to my heart like no other. He makes it shine and makes me feel like I belong to this world, to someone.

Jasper. I smile. The past few months, I have given him such a hard time. Although, I tried my best to ignore it, I always knew about his feelings and I ignored mine too. Before Edward, Jasper had an important place in my life and if any of this had never happened, he probably would have found a way to my heart too. No other man will ever connect with me the way Edward did. I can't describe it. He became my main focus in life. I would have done anything and everything for him.

But I have to let him go. I have to stop thinking about him even if I don't want to. My mind has to be stronger than my heart.

My eyes are heavy and tired after a long terrible day. I want to take a couple of days to think about Jasper. My mind if filled with _what_ _if_ s.

What if Edward wants me back?

What if it doesn't work with Jasper?

What if I can't love again?

What if …

Why is loving someone so important in my life all of a sudden?

I was never that girl.


End file.
